Restlessness

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I feel like I should be wearing an achievement sticker today that says, “I made it into work today!”

I was *this close* to saying ‘fuck it’ and taking a sick day. Walking +/- 1 mile to the transit station was going to be too much effort so I drove… even though I only drive into the office on days I don’t have the kids because parking and tolls alone are super expensive. Even so, the thought of traffic nearly brought me to tears. Brave transit or brave traffic? It was a tough decision but I eventually chose traffic.

I’m fatigued, sore, and feeling blah. I did a brutal workout on Monday and am still sore. I rarely get sore anymore so this is a nice surprise.

I’m not sure where the blah feeling is coming from. I suspect it may be diet related. My energy has been low – it’s been hard for me to get enough calories with the allowable foods so I’ve added in some occasional taboo foods, i.e. small servings of rice and bread every other day or so, some fruit, and even tastes of dessert. It has helped.

Last Saturday was another splurge day, the day Hayden and I spent with my best friend Sarah and her husband. We gorged on souffles, wine, and mai tais. I even had a chocolate croissant with breakfast that morning and a cheese & ham croissant for lunch.

I’m finding that the cheat days are tough on my system. Get this: Throwing up in my mouth suddenly woke me up from deep sleep that night. WTF?! That had never happened to me before! My stomach hurt pretty badly and I thought for sure I’d be vomiting the rest of the night. I got up, took some antacid and got a big bowl to place next to my bed in case it happened again, and went back to bed. Stomach pain meant I couldn’t get back to sleep for another hour, though. The next day (Father’s Day) I felt fine. Thank god. But seriously… WTF.

Hayden came over last night. I was feeling agitated all day yesterday and I think he could tell. Everything annoyed me, including him. Poor Hayden.

We watched episodes 2 and 3 of Big Little Lies. He missed episode 1, which I’d watched the night before (after The Bachelorette) without him. I’m surprised he liked it and wanted to watch another episode, since it’s a suspenseful mystery drama involving moms in Monterey. It is gorgeously filmed, though.

Side note: When watching episode 1, I was so distracted by how Monterey was being depicted in the show that I had to do some research. I wanted to see if anyone else familiar with Monterey was as baffled as I was. Yes, they were.

This article perfectly explains why.

I also accidentally uncovered some show spoilers during my research. Oops.

Hayden and I didn’t have sex. I was disappointed but still thrilled he came to visit. He wasn’t feeling well on Monday or even yesterday – and missed work both days – so I was touched he still wanted to make the journey to see me. (I say “journey” because it takes him nearly 1-1/2 hours by transit or 30 minutes by Uber even though he also lives in San Francisco about 7 miles from me – it’s ridiculous.)

He’s coming over again tomorrow night. Hopefully we can have some passionate sex before Mars drops the kids off.

Last night, he asked me again if I had fun on Saturday. Of course I did. I asked him if he did; he said yes. It was an enthusiastic and genuine response. I’m pleased he had such a good time. I told him that I’d like to do more fun things around town, and told him about the free Sunday concerts in Stern Grove and the free Saturday night movies in the park… even telling him that La La Land was going to be playing in the park in August. (La La Land was the one and only movie we saw in a theater, back before we broke up, and we both loved it.) He was interested.

He also referred to himself as my boyfriend last night in conversation.

I still find this baffling. I would prefer that we have an actual conversation about becoming exclusive. I don’t feel as though it should be my responsibility to bring up considering he broke up with me. Maybe I’m being childish and petty, though.

Until he wants to broach the topic, I’m not going to assume we’re exclusive. This is all a formality, though, as I’m not dating anyone else. Right now I do feel more comfortable having that option if I wanted to, though, so maybe it’s just as well that he doesn’t bring it up.

I am going to tell him that I would still like to take a trip with him as we discussed back in January but that I am going to leave it up to him, that he should let me know if he truly wants to travel with me. In the meantime, I will make travel plans with others. (On Saturday, he heard me and Sarah discussing trip logistics to Austin.)

2 Steps Forward 1 Step Back

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It’s happening again. Hayden is retreating.

It’s possible it’s coincidental.

This time, however, I expected it so I wasn’t all that disappointed when he canceled plans to come over last night. Yay me!

When I recently reverted to my anxious attachment style and had a mini freak-out, Dater Analysis consoled me and informed me of the Rubber Band Theory. The theory states that a man will try to get closer if the woman retreats, and will retreat when a woman tries to get closer.

I also know that the Avoidant attachment pattern dictates that someone who is Avoidant will retreat if they feel they’re becoming too close to someone. I have already suspected that Hayden is Avoidant.

After spending a lot more time together than usual over the weekend, Hayden didn’t come over last night to watch The Bachelorette with us as he always does.

He texted me yesterday afternoon saying he had to cancel because he didn’t feel well. It’s entirely possible he truly didn’t feel well but I still found it suspicious considering we seemed to get much closer last weekend. (Side note: He also referred to me as his girlfriend twice in conversation with me.)

My daughter and I still watched The Bachelorette and my son even joined in for a while. It’s just as well Hayden wasn’t there to watch it with us because it may have been uncomfortable. Rachel had a one-on-one date with Dean, who is only 25 and 7 years younger than her. Their age difference was a major topic of conversation on the show. I was thinking, ‘Ha! 6 years is nothing…..!’

They seemed to get along very well, though, and Dean seems ready to get married and start a family. He even divulged that he was falling in love with Rachel.

(I am obviously eager to see where their relationship goes. I feel like I have a personal interest.)

This was a timely topic since I’ve been thinking about my age difference with Hayden a lot lately. Our age difference doesn’t bother me at all but it bothers me that it bothers him. It is supposedly the reason he broke up with me in January. (I say supposedly because I still suspect there were other reasons for our breakup that he hasn’t admitted.)

Hayden claims our age difference doesn’t bother him anymore… but I wonder how that’s possible if it was true in the first place. Can someone get over something like that?

I struggle with this. I want someone who wants to be with me 100% and without a doubt in his mind.

It’s possible Hayden is that someone but I won’t be convinced until time tells. I’m still having a hard time trusting that he’s not going to change his mind about our relationship. I keep expecting him to drop the bomb again; I hope it’s not a self-fulfilling prophecy. I don’t want to think this way about him!

If he does get wishy-washy and change his mind again, I do know that it will be completely over between us. There will be no second chance.

Email Response + Weekend Fun

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On Friday, before leaving work for the weekend, I quickly composed and sent an email response to Lola’s husband. In hindsight, I said too much and feel like I overstepped boundaries. I shouldn’t have spoken for Lola – her thoughts and feelings are hearsay.

I should have written it and let it sit at least overnight. I sent it hastily because I wanted to get back to him before the weekend.

This is the email:

Hi Trey,

After thinking about it, I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to chat, after all. I’m really sorry.

I know you and Lola are separated. I know why you separated. I also know that Lola has asked you to stop contacting her friends. Regardless, I don’t think it’s appropriate for me to talk with you about your marriage.

I know that Lola adores you and never meant to hurt you. You didn’t deserve this.

My advice is to give Lola the space that she has asked for. Work it out with her when she’s ready.

I wish you the best, I sincerely do.

I’m not going to be in the office tomorrow. While enabling my Out of Office agent tonight for tomorrow, I noticed that he’d replied to my email.

Trey said he wasn’t planning to tell me about their separation at all and that he wanted to ask “for a friend” about how a spouse can stop loving their spouse. He knew from Lola I had first-hand experience with that… and he thought it was impossible.

I haven’t responded yet.

My best friend’s visit yesterday was a blast. Hayden and I met Sarah and her husband at Yerba Buena Gardens and immediately started the artwalk. We only visited about half the museums participating in the artwalk: the San Francisco Historical Society, African Diaspora Museum, Contemporary Jewish Museum, SPUR, and Yerba Buena Center. Unbelievably, this was a free event! Normally, admission to all the museums would have easily cost around $80 per person.

We all had a hard time deciding which was our favorite… but eventually agreed that it was probably a tie between SF Historical Society and African Diaspora Museum.

Hayden seemed comfortable and was his usual quirky, charming, affectionate self. We walked hand-in-hand or with our arms around each other the entire day.

We walked from the artwalk in SoMa to the French restaurant in North Beach. Dinner was absolutely decadent. We feasted on two different savory souffles: leek and prosciutto & mushroom, French onion soup, and French rose wine. For dessert we all shared a chocolate souffle, which was ridiculously decadent and delicious.

When the bill came, Sarah and her husband insisted on paying, saying that they invited us and we were celebrating her birthday. We conceded, then told them we were taking them out for cocktails in Chinatown.

But, damn, that dinner bill must have been around $300.  !!! The two savory souffles alone were $100.

On the walk back to SoMa through Chinatown in the heatwave, we stopped in at an old Chinese bar that is famous for their Chinese mai tais. We had 2 mai tais each and talked and talked.

We wrapped things up at 11 pm. By then we were all a little sweaty from sitting in the stuffy back corner of the bar. Sarah and her husband had an hour drive to get back to Sarah’s in-laws house where they were staying with their kids. We walked with them most of the way to their car, then said our goodbyes and caught an Uber on Market Street.

Hayden and I didn’t get back to my place until after midnight. He packed up his stuff and left to go home. I don’t know why he wanted to go home so late at night, but I didn’t really expect him to stay overnight a second night in a row, anyway. And I had to be up early the next morning to head out-of-town to see my dad.

Hayden said he had a lot of fun. I’d like to do more fun things around town with him and hope to plan something else soon. My sister recently sent me an article listing all sorts of fun free or low-cost summer date ideas here in San Francisco that I hope to check out.

It was truly a fabulous weekend.

Various Thoughts

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I texted Lola yesterday afternoon to let her know that her husband had contacted me. She responded saying that she had asked her husband to stop calling her friends. He told her he wouldn’t stop contacting them until she agreed to go to marriage counseling with her and agree to stop seeing her lover. (He also told her that talking to her friends has been helping him process the pain.) Lola understandably asked me not to tell her husband anything about her lover.

Now I’m pissed. I don’t want to talk with him at all now that I know he’s deliberately going against her wishes and trying to control and manipulate her.

I’m going to email him and tell him I don’t feel comfortable talking with him now that I know she’s asked him to stop contacting her friends. I still worry he’s going to call me on my office phone, though. I guess I’ll have to cross that bridge when I come to it.

I am heartbroken for her husband. I really am. I can only imagine how much he’s struggling right now. However, I don’t think it’s appropriate for him to seek out her friends and talk with them about her.

Hayden came over last night. We had Italian food delivered for dinner, had sex, and watched Last Week Tonight and Six Feet Under. He told me he’d come over again tonight. I asked incredulously, “You’re coming over 3 nights in a row?!”

Technically, no. He explained that he would come over tonight after work, stay overnight, and then spend all of Saturday together. Whether or not he’s staying overnight on Saturday night is still unclear but even if he goes home after dinner with me, Sarah, and her husband, I’ll be happy.

Sarah’s birthday was on Wednesday so I’m pretty sure Sarah’s decision to have dinner at this fancy French restaurant is so that we can celebrate her birthday. I’ve looked up the menu. It’s expensive and, therefore, not a restaurant I’d choose.

I don’t know the etiquette here. Before making reservations, Sarah didn’t tell me which restaurant she’d chosen. She just said, “I’m making dinner reservations. Are you coming solo or bringing a date?”

After she’d made reservations, I asked her which restaurant. When she told me, I felt panic. French restaurants are notoriously expensive and this one is no exception. I know it’s her favorite restaurant and it is her birthday so…..? It’s especially awkward because I’d typically like to buy her dinner or drinks but, given we’ll be going to this particular restaurant, will barely be able to afford my own share of the bill. It’s going to take some creative budgeting to make it work.

She knows I’m struggling financially since separating from Mars. We’ve been meaning to take our annual wine country trip for the past 2 years but I just haven’t been able to swing it. The last time we talked about it, she offered to pay my share. It’s really sweet of her but I don’t feel comfortable with that. I don’t want to feel like a charity case. But I also know she’s offering because she just wants to spend time together.

Financial struggles suck. I feel bad about myself because I can no longer afford things I once used to. And I feel like it does affect my relationships because I have to opt out of events often.

I spoke with Hayden last night about my concerns regarding the restaurant. He said, “I can spend $40 for dinner. Do you think that will cover it?”

Haha. Um, no.

I said, “It’s going to be a lot more expensive than that. I looked at the menu. Entrees are around $35 each. But I’m hoping we can share an entree and maybe a dessert? They specialize in chocolate souffles….”

I’m feeling a lot of anxiety about this dinner. It’s one thing if it was just me going because I can make it work financially. But now I feel bad because these are my friends and they chose the $$$$ restaurant.

Hayden joked, “Maybe they’ll pay for it.” I told him the reality is that they’d likely offer to pick up the entire tab… maybe even insist… but it still makes me feel bad. I don’t want them to pay for it.

 

Lola’s Husband

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Oh dear. I arrived into work this morning to find both an email and a voicemail from Lola’s husband. He said he had to talk with me.

I replied to the email and told him that I’d call him tomorrow.

Ugh. I am not looking forward to the conversation.

I saw Lola last week. A few coworkers and I took her out for a belated birthday lunch. We had some time to talk privately afterward and she said that her husband had been calling all her friends (even doing pretty significant internet investigation to find their contact info, which he’s obviously done with me). He’s been asking her friends for their advice on what to do.

Huh?!

That seems inappropriate.

One of our coworkers who didn’t know about Lola’s affair before he called to tell her (!!!) told him that he should fight to win her back. I laughed at that advice. Lola doesn’t need him to fight for her; she needs him to back off and give her some time to process everything.

Maybe she’ll eventually realize that she misses him.