I was going to write this post late last night before bed but, as soon as I sat down, my son came and sat next to me on the couch wanting to snuggle. Aww! He’s a newfound teenager so these times are few and far between.
Plus, I would have totally blown my cover crafting a secret blog post with him looking over my shoulder… and, as you can imagine, introducing him to his mom’s sex and dating blog would be horrifying.
Yesterday afternoon, I replied to Hayden’s peculiar text by simply saying, “I’m glad you’re ok. Are you available to chat sometime soon?”
He immediately responded with, “Of course. I get off work at 5. How about a little after that?”
I told him that 5:30 would work. It would give me time to arrive home from work and gets the kids situated so they wouldn’t interrupt our conversation.
Hayden called right at 5:30. It was a very good 1-1/2 hour conversation. I am happy to say I maintained a detached yet concerned demeanor.
One of you hit the nail on the head regarding your disappearance theory. Yes, it was alcohol… and then deep shame and embarrassment that prevented him from reaching out for so long.
On Monday night, he was in an Uber on his way to my house to watch The Bachelorette like we always do on Monday nights. I didn’t know he had taken the day off work and started drinking at 3 pm. He drank an entire large bottle of white wine by himself.
He said the alcohol hit him all at once as he was close to my house. He asked the Uber driver to drop him off a few blocks early. As he got out of the Uber, he tripped on the curb of a sloping sidewalk, fell and rolled, and got a few scrapes and scratches.
He must have texted me that he was not coming as he was in the Uber home. I didn’t hear from him for so long because he immediately fell asleep once he got home. He texted around 10 pm telling me he was ok after he woke up.
He was filled with regret and overwhelming shame and embarrassment and didn’t want to explain what had happened. He said he wasn’t even sure what to say.
I told him that I was really hurt and angry when he didn’t contact me. He understood. I told him I thought the worst, including arrest and family emergency. I told him that by the following day I simply thought it was his own ridiculous way of ending things cleanly. He was upset and said, “No! No, I wouldn’t have done that.”
He admitted to having an addiction, and he’s extremely embarrassed and ashamed of it. I was touched he was being so honest with me. I urged him to get help and told him to start with his doctor. As of July 1st, he has new Kaiser insurance. He needs to choose a doctor but says he’ll make an appt. I sure hope he does. I told him that Kaiser may even have an out-patient treatment center.
I also told him it’s a disease, that it’s not his fault, and that he shouldn’t be ashamed… but, by the same token, he needs t take it seriously. It won’t get better on its own and the fact that it has started affecting his job attendance (he had to call out on Tuesday) and his relationships is a big red flag that he’s not holding it together anymore.
We talked more about his addiction. Before he had met me, he’d gone to 3 AA meetings with an ex-coworker. He said it all felt hokey to him, confirming what I’d heard from others. I told him there are lots of other support groups and I’m sure he could find one that works for him.
He wasn’t clear on how much he drinks but it sounds like he can go weeks without issue then spirals. He mentioned the Memorial Day drinking when he canceled last-minute because he was drunk. Until this week, that was the last time his drinking had been a problem.
I reiterated all the good things in his life, and that he couldn’t afford to lose them. He might not be able to recover from his next downward spiral. He knew what I was talking about and completely agreed. He said it took him years to recover from his last, and I pointed out at least then he had youth on his side. It only gets harder and harder as you get older.
He admitted being scared. Again, I stressed the importance of getting help. It’s a disease and it can destroy his life if he doesn’t treat it.
We talked about our January break-up and how that’s caused me to not feel secure in his feelings toward me…. and how that caused me to completely shut down emotionally earlier this week.
It was an 1-1/2 conversation that left me satisfied yet unsure about what to do next. Our relationship is over but I’m not sure how to proceed otherwise. I am the closest person in his life by far so I don’t want to shut the door on him. He trusts me enough to be honest and I hope he is beginning to understand that I won’t judge him.
Given I have no experience or expertise with this, I don’t know what is best for him.
So many things are going through my head. Does he need to cut ties with me to heal? Will a relationship with me impede recovery? Does he need my support? Did we even have a true relationship if he’s an addict? Will his personality change as he becomes sober?
He’s coming over tonight so we can continue our discussion. I still don’t have any clarity on what to do. I’m not an ultimatum type person and can’t force him to get help. He’s an adult and is the only one who can do that. However, I can place limits on what I will and will not tolerate… and my limits are much lower because I’m a mom.
I told him that I am really relieved that he didn’t continue coming over to my place when drunk on Monday night. Can you imagine??! Ugh. At least he had the wherewithal to know it wasn’t a good idea and turned around.
My feelings for him are different now that the veil has been lifted. Everything makes so much more sense. I love him, no doubt about it, but he cannot provide me with the stability and reliability I require… at least not now.
I had a sweet dream a couple nights ago. I was on a double date with my sister (!!!) and we were having a blast. Our dates were attractive, witty, funny, intelligent, and complete gentlemen… holding our umbrellas over our heads for us, pulling out our chairs, opening doors, etc. I was smitten in the dream and quite disappointed when I woke up.
I have 2 first dates next week and am actually excited about getting myself back out there.