Revelations

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I was going to write this post late last night before bed but, as soon as I sat down, my son came and sat next to me on the couch wanting to snuggle. Aww! He’s a newfound teenager so these times are few and far between.

Plus, I would have totally blown my cover crafting a secret blog post with him looking over my shoulder… and, as you can imagine, introducing him to his mom’s sex and dating blog would be horrifying.

Yesterday afternoon, I replied to Hayden’s peculiar text by simply saying, “I’m glad you’re ok. Are you available to chat sometime soon?”

He immediately responded with, “Of course. I get off work at 5. How about a little after that?”

I told him that 5:30 would work. It would give me time to arrive home from work and gets the kids situated so they wouldn’t interrupt our conversation.

Hayden called right at 5:30. It was a very good 1-1/2 hour conversation. I am happy to say I maintained a detached yet concerned demeanor.

One of you hit the nail on the head regarding your disappearance theory. Yes, it was alcohol… and then deep shame and embarrassment that prevented him from reaching out for so long.

On Monday night, he was in an Uber on his way to my house to watch The Bachelorette like we always do on Monday nights. I didn’t know he had taken the day off work and started drinking at 3 pm. He drank an entire large bottle of white wine by himself.

He said the alcohol hit him all at once as he was close to my house. He asked the Uber driver to drop him off a few blocks early. As he got out of the Uber, he tripped on the curb of a sloping sidewalk, fell and rolled, and got a few scrapes and scratches.

He must have texted me that he was not coming as he was in the Uber home. I didn’t hear from him for so long because he immediately fell asleep once he got home. He texted around 10 pm telling me he was ok after he woke up.

He was filled with regret and overwhelming shame and embarrassment and didn’t want to explain what had happened. He said he wasn’t even sure what to say.

I told him that I was really hurt and angry when he didn’t contact me. He understood. I told him I thought the worst, including arrest and family emergency. I told him that by the following day I simply thought it was his own ridiculous way of ending things cleanly. He was upset and said, “No! No, I wouldn’t have done that.”

He admitted to having an addiction, and he’s extremely embarrassed and ashamed of it. I was touched he was being so honest with me. I urged him to get help and told him to start with his doctor. As of July 1st, he has new Kaiser insurance. He needs to choose a doctor but says he’ll make an appt. I sure hope he does. I told him that Kaiser may even have an out-patient treatment center.

I also told him it’s a disease, that it’s not his fault, and that he shouldn’t be ashamed… but, by the same token, he needs t take it seriously. It won’t get better on its own and the fact that it has started affecting his job attendance (he had to call out on Tuesday) and his relationships is a big red flag that he’s not holding it together anymore.

He agreed.

We talked more about his addiction. Before he had met me, he’d gone to 3 AA meetings with an ex-coworker. He said it all felt hokey to him, confirming what I’d heard from others. I told him there are lots of other support groups and I’m sure he could find one that works for him.

He wasn’t clear on how much he drinks but it sounds like he can go weeks without issue then spirals. He mentioned the Memorial Day drinking when he canceled last-minute because he was drunk. Until this week, that was the last time his drinking had been a problem.

I reiterated all the good things in his life, and that he couldn’t afford to lose them. He might not be able to recover from his next downward spiral. He knew what I was talking about and completely agreed. He said it took him years to recover from his last, and I pointed out at least then he had youth on his side. It only gets harder and harder as you get older.

He admitted being scared. Again, I stressed the importance of getting help. It’s a disease and it can destroy his life if he doesn’t treat it.

We talked about our January break-up and how that’s caused me to not feel secure in his feelings toward me…. and how that caused me to completely shut down emotionally earlier this week.

It was an 1-1/2 conversation that left me satisfied yet unsure about what to do next. Our relationship is over but I’m not sure how to proceed otherwise. I am the closest person in his life by far so I don’t want to shut the door on him. He trusts me enough to be honest and I hope he is beginning to understand that I won’t judge him.

Given I have no experience or expertise with this, I don’t know what is best for him.

So many things are going through my head. Does he need to cut ties with me to heal? Will a relationship with me impede recovery? Does he need my support? Did we even have a true relationship if he’s an addict? Will his personality change as he becomes sober?

He’s coming over tonight so we can continue our discussion. I still don’t have any clarity on what to do. I’m not an ultimatum type person and can’t force him to get help. He’s an adult and is the only one who can do that. However, I can place limits on what I will and will not tolerate… and my limits are much lower because I’m a mom.

I told him that I am really relieved that he didn’t continue coming over to my place when drunk on Monday night. Can you imagine??! Ugh. At least he had the wherewithal to know it wasn’t a good idea and turned around.

My feelings for him are different now that the veil has been lifted. Everything makes so much more sense. I love him, no doubt about it, but he cannot provide me with the stability and reliability I require… at least not now.

I had a sweet dream a couple nights ago. I was on a double date with my sister (!!!) and we were having a blast. Our dates were attractive, witty, funny, intelligent, and complete gentlemen… holding our umbrellas over our heads for us, pulling out our chairs, opening doors, etc. I was smitten in the dream and quite disappointed when I woke up.

I have 2 first dates next week and am actually excited about getting myself back out there.

 

Hayden Breaks his Silence

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Breaking news! I received a text from Hayden not even 30 minutes ago.

I nearly laughed when I read it. You might find it as incredulous as I do.

It simply said, “I’m sorry it took me so long to get back to you… how are you doing?”

That’s it. WTF?!

I haven’t replied because A) I’m not even sure what to say, and B) I’m not at his beck and call after everything that’s happened this week.

This is the reply I’m considering:

Really? I was expecting an explanation.

I’m disappointed by the lack of communications over the past few days. I was really worried. Were you arrested? Did you have a breakdown? Did you go on a bender? Did you have a family emergency? Whatever it was, at least own it and admit it.

To clarify, I don’t care that you had to cancel. I’m upset that you ghosted me. I truly don’t understand the secrecy.

I am surprised to hear from you, frankly. I was wondering if this was your own clumsy way of making a clean break, and that maybe you regretted not doing that when we broke up back in January.

With no information to go on, I really hope you’re okay.

I don’t want to come off as too angry or unreasonable, but I do want him to know how disappointed I am and why.

Thoughts? Should I send as-is or revise? I won’t respond until tonight, maybe tomorrow morning. I need some time to think this through.

Anger => Worry

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Today I’m worried again. The anger has eased.

I’m worried because the long breaks in text communications are uncharacteristic, especially because I asked pointed questions about his reasons for canceling. I don’t think I mentioned this in Monday’s post, but I also called him on the night of the implosion when he wasn’t responding to my texts. He didn’t answer; I didn’t leave a message.

I did mention that he eventually responded via text about being ok and not to worry.

But something doesn’t sit right.

Hayden and I are Facebook friends, which means I have messaging access to his friends and family. But even if he unfriends me right now, I still know his brother’s name and can look him up myself.

* For the record, he hasn’t unfriended me.

A thought crossed my mind today that maybe I should reach out to his brother. Surely his little brother could provide some insight? He’ll know if he’s mentally unstable and might even know if he still has an active drinking problem. Or, he may think this all seems uncharacteristic, too, and would try contacting him himself. (The latter would be preferable, I suppose.)

However, I don’t want to overstep my boundaries, cause unnecessary panic, or, worse, come across as a psychotic ex-girlfriend. But if something is truly wrong, I think his family should know. (He and his brother aren’t very close, but he’s closer to him than anyone else.)

I need feedback. Is this a good idea or not?

I Am OK

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Although I’d love an explanation, I am at peace. I am surprisingly okay. I am not having obsessive thoughts about Hayden and I haven’t lost any sleep. I haven’t cried at all.

What I am is terribly disappointed. I am shocked that a grown man can act this way.

I wish I had been clearer in my last text to him (on Monday night) that I was pissed he wasn’t explaining himself, not that he had canceled. It’s not about him canceling; it’s about how he handled it.

I asked him to call and he didn’t. I told him I was worried. I asked him twice to explain what had happened. He couldn’t be bothered. He’s disappeared without warning and without explanation. It’s so fucked up.

I am still worried. What is really going on? Has he been able to go to work? Is he drinking? Is he having bad anxiety? Does he regret the way he handled things?

I know it’s not about me at all. I know Hayden loves me. This, however, is something I will not be able to get past. Tex used to give me the silent treatment when he was butt hurt and I would lose my mind with anger. The silent treament is stupid, childish, petty bullshit. This isn’t much different.

Hayden made a huge mistake.

This breakup isn’t a surprise. I knew it was bound to happen again. I just didn’t expect to happen in this ridiculous way. I’m stunned.

However, Hayden’s unbelievable behavior has given me the closure I needed to move on. I know from my past relationship history that closure comes quickly, like the flip of a switch. It happened with Mars, it happened with Tex, and now it has happened with Hayden.

I can tell you the exact day I lost my love for each of them.

And so now it’s onward and upward. A better suitor lurks in my future somewhere – it’s up to me to find him.

Last night I responded to a couple neglected messages on OK Cupid, re-installed Tinder, and downloaded an app called “Anonymous Texting”. This app gave me a temporary phone number for texting new suitors so that I can protect my privacy and prevent unwanted texting/calling on my real phone number. Brilliant!

I am a little hesitant to begin dating again so soon… but I don’t want to be home and without any plans my next kid-free weekend. I want to line up some activities. I may look into Meetup again and see if there is anything organized for watching live local music that weekend.

Let the dating games begin [again]!

Continuing Silence

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It’s been 24 hours and I still haven’t received a return text from Hayden.

I have so many thoughts swirling in my head. I’m angry and in disbelief but I’m not sad. Maybe that’ll come later.

When this all began last night, it struck a familiar chord and brought up some very bad memories. I experienced something similar with Tex about a year into our relationship.

We were in the process of getting back together after our first serious breakup. He wanted to delay getting back together because he already had a date lined up on an upcoming weekend and he didn’t feel like he could cancel without hurting her feelings. Ok, whatever. I had my own loose dating ends to tie up, too. I didn’t think much of his pre-planned date.

…Until that weekend came. I sent him a text on Friday night inviting him out with me and some coworkers. His response was uncharacteristically short and lacking details. He said something like “I’d like to but I’m heading into Oakland to go out with some friends.”

I didn’t receive a good morning text the next morning, which was odd. I sent him a text asking him how his evening had gone. He didn’t respond for several hours and by then I was sick with worry. I was trying to self-soothe by thinking that maybe his phone battery had died. Horrible thoughts crept in, though, like maybe he was in the hospital. I asked him to call me as soon as he could.

He sent a text saying, “I’m fine but can’t call. I’ll explain later.”

And then, when I lost my mind, he simply said, “I screwed up badly. I love you.”

That made my anxiety even worse. Why couldn’t he call?! OMG, he really was in the hospital and that’s why he couldn’t call! Nothing else made sense.

I was physically sick that night from worry and running a fever.

He didn’t call me until late Sunday night. I demanded an explanation, and finally got it. His “date” was actually an out-of-town trip to visit a woman who lived in Los Angeles. He had lied to me about meeting up with friends on Friday night; in reality he was on his way to the airport.

I was so livid that I was shaking. It was scary. I felt betrayed. WHY DIDN’T HE JUST TELL ME HE WAS GOING TO BE OUT OF TOWN??? Or at least tell me he was going to be unreachable? Shit, at the very least he should have come up with a better lie by saying he was going to visit his mom in Texas.

I don’t think I’ve ever yelled so much in my life as I did at him that night on the phone with him. I called him every vile name I could think of. He apologized profusely and knew he’d made a huge mistake.

You all know I eventually forgave him because we did end up getting back together again. In hindsight, though, I should have cut my losses. There were so many other issues.

So when Hayden texted the uncharacteristic text last night canceling without explanation, I knew what it meant. It meant it was over.

Something is not right with Hayden. This is not normal adult behavior. Any rational person would provide an explanation for why they were canceling at the last fucking minute. I would have understood whatever his reason. It’s the bullshit lack of communication that I cannot tolerate.

I thought he cared about me. I thought I was his girlfriend! He should feel comfortable telling me anything but he obviously doesn’t. He lives in a shroud of secrecy. And his odd behavior might explain why he doesn’t have any friends.

Both kids asked where he was when he was a no-show. I hate that I couldn’t even give them a reason when they asked why he suddenly wasn’t coming when he had said he was.

I do hope he gets his act together and explains himself… if only so I can get some peace.