Reality bites

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The reality is sinking in and it sucks.

I don’t regret sending the text. Of course, I haven’t heard from him. When I read back the text, it sounds cold and uncaring. I wanted to keep it brief and to the point but in doing so it was completely unemotional.

I’m heartbroken.

I’m sad he ghosted me. He easily could have picked up his phone and sent me a short text saying he was struggling and needed some time to himself. I would have understood. But he didn’t do that, and it makes me wonder why.

He didn’t because he didn’t care enough about me orĀ because he thought I’d be “whatever” about it and forgive him.

He was too overwhelmed to text me but he wasn’t too overwhelmed to log onto Ok Cupid? That’s fucked up.

My reaction must have been a huge wake up call.

I’m sad he’s not protesting my decision. Maybe he doesn’t think I’m worth it. Maybe our relationship wasn’t very important to him, after all. Maybe there was a reason he was so secretive and I was getting too close for his comfort.

I stayed late at work tonight, then did an errand and treated myself to dinner at a Mexican restaurant. When I arrived home, I was half hoping he’d be waiting for me wanting to discuss things in person. Of course, he wasn’t.

I’m sad our relationship ended.

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Hello again

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I received my lab results today for last week’s lip swab. Results were negative for cold sores/HSV 1/HSV 2. Hooray! I’m relieved because it means this rash isn’t a repeated virus outbreak. I’ve had 4 incidents since February (I think? I’ve lost track) – I was worried my immune system was going berserk.

I’m glad it’s likely just a food allergy as my doctor suspected. I believe the painful lips and mouth may have been caused by pecans or mango so I’ve been avoiding those. The rash on my top lip is almost completely gone; my mouth no longer burns. I called my pharmacy and told them to cancel the numbing mouthwash prescription because my mouth symptoms have resolved.

Since Saturday’s doctor appointment, I have become strict with my diet again. I normally follow a paleo diet but have gotten progressively sloppy over the past few months. I was even drinking a glass of chocolate milk (!) or eating peanut butter & jelly sandwiches on occasion! I suppose it’s no surprise that my asthma and allergies have been flaring.

I bought some turmeric supplements as recommended by my doctor for combating inflammation and have been taking those every day, too. My asthma and allergies already seem much more manageable, thank god.

Still no word from Hayden. It’s fine. I don’t need an explanation. His silence is enough closure for me. I’m not even that upset, which I find bizarre. I’m not spending a lot of time thinking about him. I haven’t cried at all.

I even perused OkCupid last night. Imagine my shock and horror when I noticed that Hayden was also online. Oh hell no. That stung. Granted, he’s not the “dating around” type and it’s possible he was only online checking my status since I hadn’t reached out to him, either. If he did indeed see me online, he must know that I consider our relationship over.

I’m not completely blame-free. I admit I didn’t reach out to him on Monday because I was incensed that he didn’t contact me first to cancel an outing he had planned for Sunday. I was also a little bewildered by his inability to approve the Facebook tag request for the photos from our Saturday hike. (He had told me he was fine with me tagging him when I’d asked.)

I simply figured we’d talk about it next time we saw each other. That’s all beside the point now.

I have read and re-read our last text exchange on Sunday morning and don’t see anything that would have indicated something was wrong. On Saturday night, we’d had a brief lighthearted text exchange. Everything seemed fine until I didn’t hear from him on Sunday morning.

So I reached out. My text, in green, was cut off… but I simply texted asking him what time he was planning to come over to my place.

hayden-final-text

I sent the last text at 11:01 am on Sunday. No response since.

Sure, I could have reached out. Not doing so is probably immature of me… but I feel like I have done my part being the supportive girlfriend. Any reasonable boyfriend would text back with something like, “Let’s reschedule for another weekend” or “I feel terrible” or evenĀ  “thanks baby.”

Maybe I’m being petty. Maybe he really is struggling. However, I’m not going to to chase him down. He’s an adult. He can handle his shit, even if that simply means him reaching out and telling me what’s going on or, heaven forbid, asking for help.

I’m not a fucking mind reader.

And so, in the absence of an explanation, I have to move ahead and consider this a formal break-up.

I’m OK with it. It was time. As much as I loved what we had, I wasn’t completely fulfilled. I wanted someone more emotionally available.

I marvel at how different my two post-marriage relationships have been. Tex was up my ass 98% of the time. He was constantly pushing for more togetherness, more commitment. He seemed to be on the fast-track to marriage despite critical issues in our relationship – a big red flag. Hayden was the complete opposite. He would retreat as soon as we became close. He was an emotional yo-yo. He was also so private that it made me wonder if he was hiding something.

I don’t know where to go from here but I do know I need to try a different tactic. Friends-first online dating for a while? Unplugging from online dating and trying my hand dating “in the wild” for the first time in 25 years?

What is my libido to do??! Geezus, this is dismal.

I’m starting to wonder if any normal, well-adjusted guys ripe for a relationship exist anywhere.

Although I love being in relationships, I also love being single.

Goodbye snuggly half-asleep morning cuddles. Goodbye hand holding. Goodbye heart-bursting glances of affection and knowing smiles.

Hello doing whatever the fuck I please. Hello Hitachi magic wand – I have a feeling I’m going to get much more intimate with you. Hello hobbies, solo adventures (and maybe a few dates), and quiet time.

It’s the first day of the rest of my life.

My mind is a seething volcano

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I still haven’t heard from Hayden. He usually checks in mid-day but didn’t today. We usually see each other on Monday nights but he didn’t check in after work to tell me he was on his way over.

I vacillate between being pissed and being relieved. His behavior certainly makes it easy to draw a line in the sand and move on.

A break-up is inevitable, but at least it will be on my terms. I cannot tolerate this bullshit.

(I know I’m being dramatic; I’ve had a couple glasses of wine after being home all day with my sick daughter.)

I’m glad he didn’t text me tonight to say he was on his way over because I was going to tell him to not bother and/or to fuck off. Honestly, I don’t know what I’ll say when he reaches out again.

Of course, I expect an explanation from Hayden but I don’t see how this could possibly go well. What could he tell me that will excuse this behavior? Especially because I just interrogated him on Saturday about talking to his doctor! He admitted that he forgot to make an appointment. Hmm, ok. I thought it might have been an honest mistake because maybe things were going well for him, but now I just wonder if he was procrastinating and/or avoiding it.

I am mad because 1) He didn’t reach out first on Sunday to cancel our day trip, and 2) He’s ghosted since his half-assed cancelation apology.

I expect better.

 

Disappointment strikes again

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Hayden canceled our tide pools trip to Half Moon Bay. I’m a bit pissed.

He had told me yesterday that he’d come over in the morning so we could head down there. At 10:30 this morning, I still hadn’t heard a peep from him.

I texted him, “Good morning! What time are you planning to come over for the tide pools?”

He replied, “Hi I’m sorry but I did not sleep at all last night. I have to pass for today… sorry again!”

For fuck’s sake. I’m irritated because: 1) He didn’t text me first to let me know, 2) He’s tired? Is he planning to sleep all day today? The tide pools don’t take very long and I would be driving anyway, 3) He’s the one who suggested going to Half Moon Bay, and 4) My daughter is disappointed. She doesn’t want to go without Hayden.

I asked him why he didn’t sleep. He said he didn’t know, that he just kept waking up throughout the night.

I believe he has good intentions but has trouble with follow-through.

It’s fine. My daughter and I are rescheduling our day. Instead of the tide pools, we’ll go out to lunch before pedal-boating on Stow Lake in Golden Gate Park, then run some school-related errands.

Happy Sunday!