Silence Screams

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I had plans to see Colombian Hottie on Tuesday night, and a 1st date with a Tinderite last night that I had scheduled about 2 weeks ago.

Tuesday came without a word from Colombian Hottie. Yes, I could have reached out to him but, frankly, I didn’t want to chase him down. I also didn’t want to feel pressured to have sex. I simply wanted to buy him a birthday drink and catch up.

I reached out to last night’s date yesterday morning to confirm we were still meeting that evening and was horrified to see that he’d sent a message a few days prior that I hadn’t answered. He had asked if he should choose the place or if I had a place in mind. I could have sworn I responded but must have forgotten. Oops. I felt terrible. For the record, I haven’t been that active on Tinder lately. Normally I’m very good about responding.

So yesterday morning I apologized profusely for not responding to his previous message and asked if he was still free for our date. 5 hours later, he replied that he had made plans with friends and was no longer available.

I was not impressed. If you’d made plans with someone, wouldn’t you check in with them to confirm before making plans with someone else? He suggested rescheduling but I don’t want to bother. I’m unmatching instead.

Hayden is coming over tonight. He was very lovey dovey while texting last night and even told me he loved me for the very first time in text. My heart melted.

I love him to pieces but don’t think I can be exclusive with him until he demonstrates that he wants to spend more quality time together. I want him to voluntarily suggest a weekend away or spending an entire weekend day together.

Until then, I feel better knowing I have the option of spending my free time any way I want… including going on dates if the opportunity comes up. The last thing I want to do is get in that crazy, anxious mindset I was in last December and January when my needs weren’t being met.

I started spotting last night so my period is on its way. Finally! It’s 2 weeks late.

KonMari Cliff Notes & Assessing Joy

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I’m sure you’ve all heard of the KonMari Method by now? Marie Kondo is a Japanese author who wrote the #1 best-selling New York Times guide to decluttering your home and your life. It’s been all the rage for the past 3 or so years.

I listened to a Tim Ferriss podcast about her a couple weeks ago, and it inspired me to finally read her book The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing.

I finished reading the book last weekend and started the process last night.

There are no rules such as “get rid of anything you haven’t used in 2 years”. The premise of the book is to keep only what sparks joy. It sounds cheesy, I know, but it makes sense. Doesn’t everyone want to surround themselves with joy?

Keeping only what brings feelings of joy is important but also very difficult for someone like me who is so practical.

The order in which you declutter is critical:

  1. Clothing
  2. Books
  3. Documents
  4. Miscellaneous
  5. Sentimental items

The reason for this is that you’ll hone your ability to accurately assess joy as you move on to more important categories, such as sentimental items.

You need to take everything out of your dressers/closets/bookshelves/file cabinets/etc. and lay them out in one location. You must touch each item and ask yourself whether it brings joy. Only keep what is useful or brings joy.

For those items you’ll be getting rid of, it’s important is to thank each one for the joy it once brought or the lesson it taught you before getting rid of it. As silly as it sounds, it is key to not letting guilt cloud your decisions. By realizing what function it served, you can let go of the guilt.

Last night I tackled my tops, bottoms, outerwear, belts, and scarves. I am not sure I did a great job – it was a start – but I did get rid of an amount I’m happy with for now. I still need to practice listening to my heart and listening for joy. I thanked some older items I no longer wore for making me happy when I loved them and wore them often. I thanked some items for bringing me joy when I received them as gifts but never or rarely wore because they weren’t my style. This included a scarf given to me by my ex sister-in-law as well as a couple sweaters Hayden gave me as a Christmas gift. Believe me, those were tough to let go of.

I’m not yet finished with clothing – I still need to tackle shoes, underwear, and socks – and then will move onto the next category: books.

The process has got me thinking about what in my life brings me joy, including my relationships. (Marie Kondo did say that one of her clients divorced her husband after going through this process.)

I only want to surround myself with things and people who bring me joy.

Taking Risks

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I received this gem today from The Daily Pause and I thought it was really profound:

“The irony is that the person not taking risks feels the same amount of fear as the person who regularly takes risks.” (Peter McWilliams)

Go Ahead, Risk It
Most of us have heard about the fight or flight reactions associated with high anxiety. When scared, our brain stem can take over and try to make us take up arms, or pick up and run away.

There’s another kind of reaction possible in this state, however, and it may be the most common: freeze. We’re terrified so we just tighten up and dare not risk any kind of move at all.

This kind of freeze is how many of us grownups operate overall, particularly as we get older and accumulate marriages, mortgages, and kids. We have so much to lose, we dare not risk any of it.

But not risking anything can be every bit as damaging, and every bit as scary, as risking everything. 

What risky move have you been contemplating lately? What are you risking by not taking these risks?

It certainly got me thinking.

I’m on a journey to be more open with my feelings. With this in mind, I’m also working on being a more direct communicator. I’ve made small changes and have a come a long way in the past 6 months.

I find it risky to share my feelings, but I have found that I do indeed feel the same level of fear whether I share them or not. You have all witnessed this in my complaints about overthinking.

I’m going to try to be more mindful of this in the future. And, of course, it easily translates into other aspects of life: career, relationships, hobbies, financial.

Hayden came over last night to watch the season premiere of The Bachelorette. The first few episodes of every season aren’t that exciting and last night’s episode was no different.

I also am now convinced that the producers always ask the bachelor or the bachelorette to keep someone they rather wouldn’t, such as that bizarre Whaboom guy. He was disturbing. There’s just no way Rachel would have decided to keep him… yet she did.

My young daughter broached the topic first. She said, “I think they made her keep him so that we’ll be mad.”

Hayden had to leave immediately after the show ended at 11. Translation: no sex. Boo. I don’t think we’ll be able to see each other until next week, as I’ll be leaving town with the kids on Friday for the holiday weekend.

Irish Spaniard and The Bachelorette

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Irish Spaniard texted me at 8 pm last night with a simple “Hi!” We texted back and forth for a while. He made no mention of the plans we had made to go hiking earlier that day.

What the hell?! Did he forget? Did he remember but expected me to contact him first about the plans? I was bewildered.

Shockingly, he said he wanted to see me again. We made plans for next week. (I’m not free either of my 2 kid-free nights this week.)

Honestly, I am not sure this will work out anyway. First of all, I am not impressed that he asked me out while we were on our 1st date to go hiking that weekend in Marin. We had a day and a place but not a time… and then he doesn’t follow up and follow through? Total fail.

Also, he is an early bird. He goes to bed at 9 pm. Hell, my kids aren’t even in bed by 9 pm! I am a night owl. I fail to see how this could work long-term.

Additionally, he lives 35 miles away from me. In bay area traffic, that translates to about 1.5 hours of travel time each way. I have always been very specific in my online dating profiles that I don’t date anyone who lives over 20 miles from San Francisco… and even that’s pushing it.

When I was on my date with Irish Spaniard and found out where he lived, I mused about how that could have happened. On Tinder, I set my radius as 15 miles. I must have matched with him during a rare moment when I was swiping on my lunch break. After all, he works right down the street from my office. He was less than a mile away at the time and definitely would have shown up in my feed.

Lesson learned. Don’t swipe when not in San Francisco!

I have a whole 9 days to decide if I should follow through on the date. I’m currently feeling iffy about it.

I was supposed to see Hayden tomorrow night but realized this morning that The Bachelorette premieres tonight. I texted him to let him know and he offered to come over night so that we could have a season premiere party. I bought nacho fixings to try to re-create the awesome nachos we had at the rooftop restaurant on Saturday. (The secret: Enchilada sauce!)

And… huge news: I successfully completed my first pull-up on Saturday after training 3x/week for 9 months. I am probably the slowest person on the planet to achieve it but at least I stuck with it and eventually did it. Go me!

A Suspenseful Turn of Events

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Well well well. Irish Spaniard never contacted me about our 2nd date – a Marin hike – today. I was going to reschedule, anyway, because I still had errands and chores to do that I didn’t complete yesterday. Yesterday and most of today came and went without a peep from him.

I haven’t heard from him since Friday when we had a brief text exchange. He sent a late morning text that simply said, “Hi!” I responded back and told him I hoped he wasn’t too tired from keeping him out past his bedtime. He responded with, “I’m a little tired this morning but it was well worth it.” I responded with a smiley face.

Nothing since. It’s now 4:30 pm.

I don’t know what to make of this. Honestly, though, I’m not too bent out of shape. We had one date. I don’t know him.

Or maybe he didn’t like it when I told him during our date I was a rare Avoidant-Anxious type. Haha. Sometimes I say too much. What can I say? I was really comfortable with him.

Hayden came over yesterday afternoon. We sat on the neighborhood steps watching the ocean for a while before heading out to dinner at a neighborhood restaurant that has a rooftop dining area. The weather was gorgeous so we planned to sit outside.

While driving to dinner, he asked how my Thursday and Friday was. I told him I was sick on Friday but was feeling a lot better. I told him that my period was also really late and that friends urged me to take a pregnancy test.

“And…?”

“Well, hello?! Of course it was negative. I would have told you immediately if it was positive….”

I told him we need to find a more reliable form of birth control. He asked if I was open to birth control pills. I told him I wasn’t. I’d been there, done that for 17 years.

So he said condoms it was… and that we should buy stock because we’ll be spending about $100/month just on condoms. Yes, we will.

We had a really nice dinner. He was extremely affectionate: grabbing my hand across the table and kissing it repeatedly. He kept calling me “sexy” – something he’d never done before.

When I told him I hadn’t gotten any sleep the night prior partly because a pack of men were roaming my street at 2 in the morning and arguing, he joked, “I know what they were arguing about. They were arguing about who got to date you.”

Bizarre.

He was very intense all evening. Back at home, we ripped each other’s clothes off and then he asked, “Can we try something different?”

He wanted to try anal sex. Whoa.

I told him we could try but that we probably wouldn’t be successful the first time… and I wanted him inside me vaginally first.

We had sex over and over again within the next hour-and-a-half. We tried anal twice but only got about halfway both times before it became painful for me. He came twice. I came three times.

We took a break and watched the season finale of Walking Dead. By then it was 11 pm and I was exhausted. We started to watch Sherlock but I was dozing off 10 minutes into it. I told him he could stay up and watch it but he said he wanted to go to bed and cuddle with me. Awww.

I told him not to fall asleep while I was washing my face and brushing my teeth. Shockingly, he didn’t! (This is a first.)

For the life of me, I can’t remember how we got on the topic… but while snuggling and nuzzling we talked about what would have happened if I had been pregnant. He said, “I would support whatever you wanted.”

Me: “But what do you want?”

Him: “You’re asking what I want?”

Me: “Yes.”

Him: “If you wanted to keep the baby, I would be happy. I would love to parent with you. We would raise the baby together. Do you want any more kids?”

Me: “Yes and no. If I were younger, I would absolutely love to have another. But at my age, I would be in my 60s before he or she is 19. I wouldn’t be able to do it alone.”

Him: “No. I would help you!”

Me: “It’s something we can discuss further. But I think it would be an odd thing to talk about considering you’re not even my boyfriend.”

Him: “There is no one I would rather be a boyfriend to but you.”

(What the fuck?! What does this even mean?)

Me: “Do you remember breaking up with me?”

Him: “Yes, of course. I regret it. It was a mistake.”

Me: “Why do you say that?”

Him: “Because I love you.”

Me: “You said my age and our life stages differences bothered you.”

Him: “I know. It did. It doesn’t anymore. I just love spending time with you. I want to be with you.”

Me: “I don’t know if I can trust you again. Things were going so well and you told me you weren’t happy. You weren’t being honest with me about having second thoughts. You gave no indication that you were going to break up with me. I need you to be more open with me.”

Him: “I’m not trying to keep anything from you. I’m not hiding anything.”

Me: “I know you’re not trying to hide anything from me… I just think you’re not sharing your feelings. Can you try to be more open?”

Him: “Yes, of course.”

I told him I loved him and loved spending time with him. We kissed tenderly… then passionately… then it was clear we were headed toward sex again.

He said, “I want to cum inside you.”

I agreed. For the record, he didn’t. He didn’t cum at all then.

He pulled out both times we had sex this morning.

I discovered this afternoon that the withdrawal method is 96% effective when used perfectly. When not used perfectly, it is 74% effective. Source: Planned Parenthood 

I think that’s a pretty good efficacy rate. Sure, I could increase my protection another 2% by using hormonal birth control or a non-hormonal IUD but the side effects are not something I’m willing to try again right now. I may reconsider, though.

Hayden left at 9 this morning. While gathering his belongings, he said, “It was really nice spending most of the weekend with you.” I replied, “Most of the weekend?! You came over at 4:30 last night and are leaving at 9 am….”

We didn’t have the exclusivity talk. I think we’ll need to do that soon.

In the meantime, I’m still a single woman. I’m not going to pursue new prospects… but I will continue dating men I already know. (Honestly, there are not many still in the game.)