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I’ve been feeling melancholy lately. I’m sure it’s a combo of being completely moved in to my new place, dealing with some moving pains (oven issues, plumbing issues), sharing custody of the kids, and wondering what the fuck I’m doing. I feel a little lost. I’m turning inward.

I know that Mars and I had no choice but to end our marriage. There was no way up and out of the mess we created. It was not going to get better and I was never going to have the marriage I wanted and felt I deserved.

But I still feel sad. We are good friends and in some ways it feels wrong to tear the family apart because of a lack of romantic love, passion, and intimacy. Tonight we went through some stuff in the guest room closet and then he loaded a box full of stuff into my car.

After having the kids for the past two days, it was Mars’ turn. So I drove away from the house I used to live in – with my kids inside – and bawled the entire 7 block drive to my new place.

My kids don’t like my new place. They don’t want to stay here. I know it’s normal – they just need to get used to it – but it still breaks my heart.

I’m not liking it much right now, either. It’s a big change. I hadn’t moved in 13 years! I need to get used to it, too.

And then all this introspection gets me thinking about the guys in my life. I wonder if I’m taking the right approach. Am I blowing it with some good guys? Am I too flighty? Will I know what I want when I find it or will I miss it completely?

I had rescheduled last week’s date with newbie to tonight. This is the newbie who had to reschedule a long time out because he was in Utah on business… and then I had to cancel last week’s date because I was out-of-state for my grandpa’s funeral.

Well… you won’t believe this but he had to cancel tonight’s plans earlier today because he’d forgotten that his ex was in Los Angeles and he had custody of his daughter tonight, after all. We were going to meet at a wine bar. I’ve lost track of how many times we’ve had to cancel and reschedule. At this rate, we may never have a first date!

I have a date with another newbie on Thursday. We work near each other so we’re going to meet for happy hour cocktails.

I’m going to see Colombian Hottie tonight. I told him I can’t have sex because I think I have a yeast infection (ugh, what the fuck?!) but he still wants to see me. Awww! I’m going to stop at a drugstore on my way to his house and pick up some antifungal yeast cream.

I was perusing OK Cupid last night and came across Colombian Hottie’s profile. What a surprise! (We met on Tinder.)

I sent him a message. He responded and then said, “Wow. Your profile is insane. Tooooo much to read.”

Yes, I am wordy… in case you couldn’t already tell. I told him to read up and learn allll he could about me.

He asked if I read his. I said sure, it didn’t take much time to read. His profile is short and vague. He said he didn’t know what to say and he doesn’t have time for that, anyway. He said, “Love has to happen. And I’d rather talk to you.”

Awww again!

Ivy League has been texting and calling somewhat regularly. He’s still sick! Poor Ivy League.

I am seeing Luxe on Friday. He said he can’t wait to see me. I think I do need to clear up some confusion, though. I want to clarify that I wasn’t ‘bait & switched’ for no-strings-attached sex disguised as cuddling. He has some explaining to do.

Then, of course, I’ll be seeing Texas on Saturday. After lots of deliberation, I’ve decided that I will have to have a grown-up discussion with him soon about our intentions. Not on Saturday/his birthday, though! I want that to be all about fun. However, I do need to make it clear that while I am crazy for him, I don’t see a future with him because of his polyamorous proclivities. And that I’m only seeing him until I find someone who can give me what I need: hot monogamy and emotional intimacy.

I know, I know. That’s a tough order to fill! At my age and stage of life, I wonder if it’s even possible anymore. I can’t even imagine how it would work now… how one would move beyond casually dating. It seems like it would have to be a perfectly timed affair. Serendipity. Magical, even.

We’d both have to like each other at the same exact time and be excited about each other simultaneously right off the bat, ready to jump into something. How often does that really happen?!

I heard from The Blond Mandarin yesterday. It wasn’t entirely by accident, unfortunately. I had clicked on his OK Cupid profile, which signaled to him that I had been looking at it. Why did I do it? I don’t know. I said “fuck it” and wanted to see if he was still active on it, mainly. I didn’t notice much difference in his profile other than he’d deleted most of his photos and added a new one.

He sent me a message when he undoubtedly saw me looking at his profile. He said, “Hey Lauren.” I responded by saying hello then I asked him what was new. He said he’s looking for a new apartment. Tonight he asked me if I was single. Huh? Um, of course I am if I’m on OK Cupid. The messaging continues….

I’ve been having some strange online interactions with men lately. One guy contacted me on OK Cupid last night simply to harass me. I would have blocked him from the get-go but it was actually quite entertaining. He messaged me specifically to point out to me that my failed marriage was entirely my fault and that I should go back to my husband, that dating is not all it’s cracked up to be, that I will contract Herpes or some other non-treatable STD. Um… gee, dude. You’re a ball of optimism, aren’t you??

The impregnation fetish guy keeps emailing me cryptic messages. Things like “hi” and “why are you never online anymore?” and ” *frowny face emoticon* “. Yesterday, he asked if I could Skype. I asked, “Why? So you can masturbate while we talk and then hurriedly end the call after you’ve climaxed?” (He’s done this twice before to me. I should have learned my lesson the first time!)

He had the audacity to be offended. He replied, “I think we should never talk to each other again. Bye.”

He kills me! I responded, “Really? Okay then.”

And that was that.

Alright, I’ve got to get my act together and get over to the drugstore and then to Colombian Hottie’s house. I hope I don’t look too tear-streaked when I arrive.