There’s been an interesting turn regarding Smith. I was swiping on Tinder a few days ago and his profile came up. It said he was last online 2 days prior, which was at least a week after he told me he was giving it another go with his ex-girlfriend.
I swiped right (i.e. “I am interested”) wondering if things had gone sour with with his ex already. But, alas, we are not a match… which means that he swiped left (“not interested”) on my profile. Fuck him!
To think I thought he was a nice guy…..
If he wasn’t interested, he didn’t have to make up a story about getting back together with his ex. The truth would have been preferable. I am a grown up. I can take it.
Things with Texas are… well, I don’t know what to say. I’m not convinced this is meant to be. However, thinking about breaking it off nearly paralyzes me.
We saw each other last night for the first time since last weekend. He stayed the night; it was his first overnighter here. And it was awesome! We listened to music, talked, cuddled, kissed, and fucked like bunnies. We had sex 5 times in the 12 hours he was here.
We are both deliciously sore today.
Last night Texas called me Baby frequently. This morning I told him I loved it when he called me Baby but I didn’t want him calling anyone else that. He said he doesn’t and he won’t.
It was sweet waking up together, relaying our dreams, showering together, and getting ready for work together. I made eggs and toast for breakfast then drove him to the company shuttle stop before heading to work myself.
I work with Lola, one of my best friends. She asked how things had gone with Texas last night, which prompted a big conversation.
I told her that he has been much better about text communications, just like I’d asked. However, I’ve been dismayed that almost all the texts are sexual in nature. They are super sweet, don’t get me wrong; they just revolve around sex in some way or another.
She recounted her night with her boyfriend and somehow we got on the topic of compliments. She told me how her boyfriend showers her with compliments. I said wistfully, “I wish Texas would do that.”
She looked surprised. She asked, “But he tells you how awesome you are, doesn’t he, Lauren?”
“Are you kidding me?! I can’t believe it. Are you sure? That is just so wrong.”
She went on a long diatribe about how lucky he should feel that I am spending time with him… that I am warm, friendly, drop-dead beautiful, approachable, smart, successful, fashionable, level-headed, bubbly… and on and on. I was a little stunned that she was defending me so vehemently. What an amazing friend!
I was also thinking to myself, ‘Yeah. Damn straight! What is his problem?!’
It immediately made me sad. I recalled and recounted how the only time Texas complimented me was a couple months back when I demanded to know why he contacted me on OK Cupid knowing full well that I was monogamous and he wasn’t.
His response: “You were cute and I liked your profile.”
Lola blinked at me incredulously. She said, somewhat angrily, “In 6 months of dating, that’s it? I want to knock him upside the head, I really do! That is unbelievable. You are a catch! I am sure you are way above and beyond anyone else he’s ever dated. It is so obvious. How can he not realize that?!”
She didn’t stop there. We work for a very large company and are both “lifers”. Lola has been an employee almost 30 years; it’s been almost 20 years for me. We know most of the people who work there. She said, “Of the hundreds of women who work here, you and just two other women are what I consider the ‘total package’. I have even had this conversation with my ex-husband. There’s just something about you.”
Wow. I was floored. I started to tear up.
It suddenly occurred to me that Mars was the same way about not expressing compliments. I was shocked. I couldn’t believe I had never noticed sooner.
Mars never complimented me. Hell, he only told me he loved me a handful of times during our 4 year courtship and almost-12-year marriage. What the fuck was that about?!
I told Lola this. She said, “What??! That is ridiculous.” But, even more concerning is… what does that say about me?
It’s strange to me now how I was okay with it, that I justified it. I thought, ‘He’s just not comfortable expressing his feelings.’
That should have been a great big giant red flag.
I’m not saying that Texas doesn’t express his feelings, I’m just saying that this could also be a red flag given that he doesn’t compliment.
Driving home from work I realized that this budding relationship will fail. It’s just a matter of time. I might even be missing some important signs already. However, I’m not ready to pull the plug yet. I need more serious conversations with him first to make a determination.
I want someone who adores me, who makes me feel special, and who thanks his lucky stars every day that we crossed paths in the first place.
There is clearly more than just a non-monogamous issue with Texas. Would I be satisfied if he could commit to me?
In the meantime, I will continue kissing many frogs searching for the right guy… and likely fucking them as well. I will buckle myself in for the crazy ride.
Note: While I was typing this entry, I received a drunk text from The Blond Mandarin. I am embarrassed to say that my heart skipped a beat when I first saw it.