Texas and I broke up last night. It was inevitable, a matter of time. And yet it sucks just the same.
The past four months have been tumultuous: intense highs punctuated by gut-wrenching lows. I was over the moon in love with him… to the point where the the intensity of my feelings stunned me. I have never before felt such euphoria.
Unfortunately, the issues had been getting increasingly more difficult and harder to recover from. I had lunch with a coworker a couple weeks ago, soon after Texas and I had briefly broken up and were in the process of getting back together. I was having some serious doubts about the longevity of our relationship. When I told my friend we were four months in, he gave me a knowing look, nodded, and said, “Lauren, that’s normal. Four months in is when the shit hits the fan. It’s important to work through the issues now. It will get easier if you can get over this hump.” He went on to say that he and his partner had a rocky four-month point; that was ten years ago. I told him that Mars and I never had that four month difficulty… but then quickly realized aloud that I obviously shouldn’t gauge that as a success. Silly me.
His words gave me hope.
Texas has so many positive qualities that I want in a lifetime partner. He is loving, giving, thoughtful, smart, successful, and he can keep up with my insatiable sexual appetite. Whenever he touched me, incredible currents of electricity ran through my body. Always. The electricity never went away and, in fact, became stronger over time. I felt loved and cherished, like I was the most important person in the world to him. I am honestly worried that I will never again find all of these qualities in one person. However, we had significant communications and conflict resolution differences. Those are biggies. Deal-breakers. What’s worse is that they are personality-based, not behavioral, which means they are nearly impossible to fix.
I didn’t feel like he was my friend. Lover, yes. Friend, no. We seemed to have strained conversations. They didn’t flow easily. They were usually marked by long awkward silences. We didn’t have easy, playful banter. I didn’t feel like I could tell him whatever was on my mind.
Conflict resolution was an extremely frustrating and drawn out painful process with him. Texas was almost always combative and disrespectful. I have never before had such strained discussions and misunderstandings.
There were also several red flags I was hoping I could overlook that I was aware of at the beginning of our relationship, as well as some new red flags that surfaced during our relationship. They didn’t sit well with me. They eventually all added up to a giant red flag that screamed ‘what the fuck are you doing??!’ from my subconscious.
Texas is convinced I was interested in pursuing other relationships despite my insistence otherwise. I was completely committed to him. Commitment to a relationship can’t fix the problems, though. Love can’t fix the problems.
Last night was going to be our last night seeing each other for almost a week due to my child custody schedule. He didn’t arrive at my house until 9:30, which I was a little peeved about, and then asked to get on my computer. Then… silence. After a few minutes, I asked him if everything was okay. He ignored me. I asked three or four more times and was met by more silence. He was giving me the silent treatment! I was frustrated, confused, and becoming angry. Finally, I asked him to put down the computer so we could talk.
His reason for ignoring me didn’t make sense, i.e. he was “busy processing emails”, emails he claimed were too personal to discuss with me. Another red flag.
His behavior illustrated my concerns about our communications. I told him so, saying that I wasn’t sure I could continue this relationship anymore. He immediately asked me if I’d heard from any past suitors, to which I said no, and he asked to look at my phone (red flag). I told him that was not the issue; he would not believe me. I gave him my phone. Nothing there. He asked to look at Facebook Messaging on my laptop and there he must have seen that I deleted conversations from Truth or Dare and Switzerland. I had deleted them yesterday during my lunch break because 1) I was not going to respond anyway, and 2) I didn’t need to see them in my feed.
Why did I not tell Texas when he asked me? Honestly, I had forgotten. I don’t know when Truth or Dare sent the message and I didn’t see the message until yesterday, right before deleting. I honestly didn’t think anything of it. It was barely a blip on my radar. (Texas already knew about Switzerland’s messages.)
So, yes, knowing that it would upset Texas, I should have told him (sent a text? Called? I am not even sure how I should have communicated that!). I still feel as though he would not have been satisfied with any action I would have chosen. If he asked and I told him, he’d fault me for not telling him sooner. As for the text responses, if I ignored he’d fault me for leading them on. If I responded, he’d become irate that my response was leading them on even though I was convinced it was completely transparent and platonic. I couldn’t win. So my most recent way of dealing with all messages from past dates was to delete. These guys did not need to become an issue in our relationship. They did not deserve to cause an issue in our relationship. I was not interested in any of them romantically. They posed no threat.
Texas believes the text I received from Truth or Dare (that I deleted) drove me to end the relationship, which is completely false. They are completely separate incidents. Texas refuses to believe it.
I also deleted Switzerland’s message history. He sent me a message recently saying he was going to be visiting in December. I told him that I’d love to see him if I’m single then. In hindsight, that was a horrible response because it may have given him the impression I’m interested (I’m not!). I responded to that text while at work and without giving it much thought. I figured Texas and I would still be seeing each other in December and, therefore, seeing him would automatically be off the table. Hello?! Switzerland is 26 and lives in Switzerland. Not interested.
Texas and I broke up because of our incompatibility, not because I want to go on more dates with guys from my past (ridiculous!). Yes, his jealousy and insecurity were constant struggles but maybe that is my fault. It’s possible he perceived my uncertainty about our future as me wanting to pursue others.
He packed up his stuff, left my house, then called a few minutes later. We had very strong words with each other and then he hung up on me.
So where does this leave me? I don’t know. I will spend some time soul-searching and mending my broken heart. I am devastated. I really wanted it to work with Texas. I feel tremendous guilt, too, like I failed my kids. They met Texas three times yet absolutely adore him and constantly ask when they can see him again. I don’t know what to tell them.
I will date again, although I’m not sure when. Right now the thought of of reactivating my Tinder and OK Cupid profiles fills me with dread. I’m not ready for that flurry of activity and the headspace it’ll occupy. I do know that when it happens I will have strict rules similar to Ann’s – if not copied exactly – and I will be much more discriminating.
I will not be seeing The Blond Mandarin nor Colombian Hottie, as I had proper closure with them and have moved on. I saw both of them during my break-up with Texas. I was needing distraction because of my break-up and because my kids were leaving for an extended Europe trip with Mars. I was extremely distraught. They both knew this and offered to be a distraction for me, which I thought was sweet and touching. Just because I’m sure you’re wondering: No, I did not have sex with either of them. I made out with Colombian Hottie. I made out and took off my top and bra with The Blond Mandarin. That’s all I will say about that, as this post is not about them.
So, watch this space for future dating stories when I’m ready to dive in again. In the meantime, I will be writing about some wacky dates I had last fall.