Texas returned from Burning Man on the day of my birthday earlier this month. He called me from Reno the night before. After our text spat a few days prior, I was surprised to hear from him. Pleasantly surprised. Overjoyed, actually. I’d missed him so! Hearing his voice melted me.
This time he sounded different. Calmer. Not as defiant. A little… melancholy? Exhausted? Quiet? Probably all three.
We didn’t really talk about much except for his quick synopsis of Burning Man.
He also called me the next day to wish me a happy birthday. I was touched. We talked a bit about our upcoming dinner & bar hopping plans for our 1 year anniversary. He was going to make reservations at the restaurant where we had our very first date. We planned to re-live our first date in every way except for the excessive drinking and messy, bloody sex in the back seat of my car until 5 in the morning.
The very next day, I saw he’d posted a new blog entry. I was livid. The order of events was wrong. He was condescending. And he apparently still blamed me for everything wrong in our relationship.
In bed sick most of the day, I composed a long text to him and then debated sending it all day. Finally, at 5 pm, I said “fuck it” and sent it.
I read your post and am having second thoughts about meeting on Thursday. I was really, really looking forward to seeing you, too. I am in love with you but I don’t know how to deal with our issues. I need someone who is supportive, not constantly digging to find things to pick apart about me.
I told you I was going to date during our break – I can’t believe you’re surprised about that. The break was so that I could figure out if I could look past all the issues we’d had, namely your jealousy and manipulation/attempt to control. AND the post also confirmed my suspicion that you’d read my phone messages without my permission on the night we took the armory tour. I feel betrayed. That was a deal breaker for me.
(The “big hit” comment, by the way, was that I had connection with 2 guys. Not sex, as you insinuated. Additionally, [my daughter] had been asking about you and wanted to talk to you; that’s all that was about.)
You seem to jump to conclusions easily and read way too much into things. I thought you knew me better.
I don’t want to have an argument in Eureka. Let’s face it: neither of us is happy. I love you and am thinking maybe it’s time to let you go.
I contemplated sending this all day. This hurts like hell.
[Yes, that was the text in its entirety. I did it from my bed, since I was so sick I couldn’t even sit at my laptop and shoot him an email like I otherwise would have.]
Texas responded that I was reading too much into some of the things he wrote and to let him know when we could talk about it.
We agreed to talk that night. I expected it would be by phone so imagine my surprise when he arrived at my door at the designated time. I had my kids but they were in bed. I hoped there would be no yelling or crying that would wake them up.
I opened the door. We said hello but did not hug or otherwise touch. He looked awesome: he had a tanned glow from the desert sun and was wearing a crisp white t-shirt and jeans.
We talked for hours. He clarified his blog entry then talked about Burning Man and what he’d been doing the prior 3 weeks. He showed me photos on his phone. I talked about mediation and my birthday weekend.
And suddenly, I realized that I wanted to be with him. Things were crystal clear. We really did have so much good going for us.
But can we get past the issues? I would gladly get rid of my past suitors in whatever way it took to make it work with him… but I wasn’t convinced it would magically fix the problems. There were still communications and conflict resolution differences.
And I still worried about other red flags that I won’t go into here.
Plus, was I really ready for something as serious as this? Fresh out of a long, loveless marriage, I was enjoying my freedom. As much as I loved him, I needed to step back and let us “breathe”.
So we decided that we would both date others. I wasn’t clear if it would be a temporary thing or if it would be indefinite.
And then we hugged each other. Long tight squeezes. He smelled so good. Oh god. And then… it progressed. Soon he was in my bed, our lips and limbs were in a tangle, and we were having intense, electric sex. We slept spooned together all night. Damn, how I had missed that.
He set his alarm for an early-morning-but-still-dark-hour so that he could be gone before the kids woke up.
That next day he re-friended me on Facebook. Awww. Everything was really going to be okay.
Coming soon in another post: Our anniversary date and everything after. (It’s late and I still have to work out before heading to bed….)