I know. I am overdue in my writing here. I am overdue in my writing in other places, too. My mind is… blank. It feels like it’s working slowly. I no longer have an endless supply of topics to write about. My energy is lower. Hopefully it’s just the change of seasons and the dreaded holiday slump.
(I’m also breaking out like crazy. I have major pizza face for the first time since my pregnancy with my oldest child so hopefully this isn’t some hormone imbalance or something – ugh.)
The writers block is especially puzzling because I do have a lot to say. I’m just not sure how to organize my thoughts and I’m also fuzzy on some of the details.
But here goes….
Texas and I are back together. I know, I know.
We got back together over a month ago. Let’s rewind a bit.
I almost didn’t follow through with my birthday celebration trip. I was outraged by everything that had transpired with Texas. But the more space I had from him, the more I calmed down. We talked a couple times and realized, just like before, our issues stemmed from misunderstandings. For one, he wasn’t really a complete asshole and didn’t really call me a parasite.
Less than a week before the trip, he called and asked if I still wanted to go. I told him I still wasn’t sure what to do about the reservations and suggested he take someone else. He said he wanted to go with me or not at all.
I did want to go. I wanted to go with him. So I bit the bullet and committed to the trip.
The more we talked, the closer we got and the issues seemed to vanish. We agreed to phase out dating others with the intention of being exclusive by mid-October, about a week after we returned from our trip. I had already phased out my dates with other guys but Texas said that he had some dates planned that couldn’t be rescheduled for various reasons. It was a bit suspicious, but whatever.
Side note: I have been debating with myself on whether or not I should write about the newbie guys I was dating after we broke up, a couple of which I’ve already mentioned in past posts. On the one hand, it’s in the past and I don’t want to put too much time & energy into re-living it. But on the other hand, I feel as though I should share the details because it is a part of my history. And I am an over-sharer, after all.
As usual, the over-sharer in me wins. I will publish the post about that soon… and by soon, I mean within the next couple days. Don’t worry, it’s already almost completely written. (I’m telling you this so you know it won’t be another several weeks when I say “soon”, as I’m inclined to do. Hahaha. Then again, I started this post almost 2 weeks ago and yet here I sit, still composing it….?)
The birthday trip with Texas was amazing. We bonded even further. We had so much fun exploring the city and sampling the nightlife. I even met his brother.
We were in deep with each other once again. Things were good.
Things are good. I have met his mom, he’s met several of my relatives. My kids adore him; he adores them.
We are discussing the future and possibly moving in together. I don’t know what will ultimately happen – I of course can’t foresee the future – but I am enjoying what we have, taking it one day at a time.
However, I have been realizing I have serious emotional baggage. Unfortunately, my type of baggage isn’t a cute carry-on. It’s an expensive, overstuffed 5-piece set.
My emotional roots are deep and tangled. I am jaded. I no longer believe in happily ever after.
I sometimes wonder if I should even be in a relationship. I don’t know how to have a healthy relationship. I overreact. I shut down at the drop of a hat. I too easily want to give up and call things off when something feels “off”. I think in absolutes.
For example, not long ago, I translated Texas’ relaxing into our relationship as him barreling down a path of negligence. The small changes painfully reminded me of my dysfunctional dynamic with Mars. I overreacted and very matter-of-factly told Texas our relationship wasn’t working for me and that we needed to end things. Fortunately, I recognized what was happening pretty quickly. Unfortunately, it was after the outburst… and after hurting and confusing Texas.
I am a product of my experiences, so I suppose my ultra sensitivity is a natural progression for someone going through a divorce after 16 years with the same person. I was convinced Mars was my soul mate. But he obviously wasn’t. I’m having a hard time rectifying this in my mind because we were so happy once upon a time. Everything about our early relationship was everything a healthy partnership was supposed to be.
Now I don’t believe in soul mates. I believe that relationships have a shelf life and it’s just a matter of time before the fairytale implodes. I hate being so negative. Where did my awesome rose-colored glasses go? Will I ever find them again?
As for Mars and I, we’re on good terms and are continuing to work well together for quick and easy resolution. The divorce agreement is almost finalized. He will be serving me with the divorce paperwork any day now. For anyone going through divorce who is on good terms with their former spouse, a divorce financial advisor is definitely the way to go over a divorce attorney or even a mediator. This has been painless and is much less expensive.
I won’t lie, though. Filing for divorce feels scary and I can’t really pinpoint why. It will be a new phase, a new chapter. I should be excited.