, , ,

It’s been 7 hours and 15 days since you took your love away – Sinead O’Connor

As you can probably infer, Texas and I broke up. 7 days ago. I feel as though I could count down the hours and the minutes, if necessary, just like Sinead. I am devastated.

This breakup was different than the others. It was done calmly, rationally, and respectfully, not hastily during a heated argument as in our past breakups. That’s how I know this is most likely permanent… although I hope not.

Texas very well could be the love of my life. What we have is unexplainable: so much chemistry, so much love… but so disconnected at the same time. It’s not cohesive. It’s not symbiotic

Ultimately, our lifestyles just weren’t compatible. I know I’ve been saying that for over a year now… but I thought maybe we could eventually align somehow. The problem is that neither of us felt completely content. I, for one, felt off-kilter.

We couldn’t fulfill each other’s needs. I’ve always known it but pushed it aside. He didn’t know it until 7 days ago, when I spelled out all the ways we were different and unfulfilled… and how easily we could get those needs met from someone else, someone more compatible with each of us. (Yes, that hurt to say it, probably as much as it hurt to hear it.)

Initially, we agreed that we’d start to “phase him out” of the kids’ life. He’d take some things he’d been keeping at my place home and we’d start to gradually decrease the time he was spending with me and the kids.

Once we called it off, things immediately improved. It played with my head. The sex was better and more frequent. He was more present. 4 days in, I told him I didn’t want this, after all. He said he did. He said that I was right: Our relationship was screwing things up for both of us. We both had specific expectations, and our expectations weren’t compatible. He said he finally knew what I was talking about with us being incompatible.

I told him I didn’t want to phase him out of my life. I wanted him to be a part of it despite our label. If we could only be friends, I was fine with that. I suggested that we start cultivating a friendship. A friends with benefits… until he starts dating again. I told him under no circumstances would I sleep with him when he’s sleeping with other women. I know you’re all probably laughing at me but, yes, I have changed dramatically in the past year. For one, it is not healthy. Secondly, it would mess with my head too much. I know myself.

I am difficult. I am damaged. I have high expectations, maybe unrealistic.

The devil on my shoulder says that I should feel sorry for myself, that this is just another example where I’m disposable, not worth the time or effort,  and unworthy. I hate the devil. He rears his ugly head when I least expect it, like when I’m washing dishes and marveling at the beauty of spring outside my window.

The angel on my shoulder says this is a good thing, that this is an opportunity, and that we can both find happiness with someone else. Happiness will come naturally and will no longer be a struggle. We won’t have to fight so hard.

Oh, how I wish that person was Texas.

We are taking my kids on a spring break vacation in a little over a week. He has generously offered to pay half the expenses. I wouldn’t be able to afford it otherwise. It is too kind of him. I am so thankful.

I asked him to hold off on dating until after our vacation. He initially balked… but I told him it was only so that we could prevent any awkwardness while on vacation with the kids. He understood.

I told Texas I won’t be dating, much to his shock and surprise. I don’t know when I will be ready to date. I am not sure I want a relationship anymore. They’re too complicated, too risky.

Of course, I will share the details here when or if I become ready. Right now I’m trying to be kind to myself. I need to kick the devil out my headspace. I need to nurture myself. Sometimes that nurturing comes with a 3rd glass of wine and a hot bath, like tonight.

‘Cause nothing compares, no nothing compares to you.