When I was recently separated and on my dating bender, I made some mis-steps. I had obviously been out of the dating scene a long time. As a result, my intuition was off and I was too nice… sometimes to guys who didn’t deserve it.
One such guy was Vijay. He was a 33 year old Eastern Indian who worked in tech. We met on OK Cupid in October 2014. I was drawn to his soulful eyes and his gorgeous smile.
We had texted extensively over about 2 weeks prior to meeting. He was a nice guy, albeit a bit needy. He sent dozens of texts per day. He sent near-daily photos and frequently requested that I send photos. He showered me with compliments. Texts were mostly innocent with the exception of a couple referencing the Kama Sutra and how he could teach me some positions being that he’s Indian and “it’s in his blood”.
We made plans to meet one Friday morning. Back then, I didn’t work on Fridays and he was working from home that day. I suggested we meet up for coffee. He wasn’t keen on that plan and insisted I come to his place instead. I told him I wasn’t keen to do that being that he was basically a stranger. He insisted, saying that there were coffee shops near his place and we could go to one from his place after I arrived.
I don’t know why I ultimately agreed.
I arrived at his place at 9:30 am after dropping the kids off at school. He shushed me while covertly leading me from the elevator down the hall and into his apartment, claiming that his parents’ friends lived next door to him and liked to keep tabs on him and report back to his parents. Weird… but whatever, dude.
We made small talk and I sat down on his sofa. I asked to go to a coffee shop but it was quickly becoming clear that he had no interest in leaving. He kept making excuses about why we should stay in his apartment. However, he didn’t offer to make me coffee. He didn’t offer me anything, actually, which in hindsight I find very odd after I had made such a big commotion about going out to a café.
He kept staring at me and sighing, repeatedly telling me how beautiful I am. It was flattering but also uncomfortable. It was too over-the-top.
He eventually kissed me and then nearly attacked me. It was painful for me because, while he was a sweet guy and I enjoyed his [albeit awkward] company, we were not really connecting and there was definitely no spark. Whenever I’d stop him and tell him I had to leave, he would beg me to stay. He seriously begged, in desperation. It was pathetic and I felt a bit bad for him. I eventually made a hasty decision to have sex with him just so I could get it over with and go home.
There, I said it. I am ashamed and embarrassed.
The sex was okay and, fortunately, over relatively quickly. When it was time for me to leave, he led me to the staircase nearest to his door rather than to the elevator, which would require passing his parents’ friends apartment. He instructed me to whisper and walk quietly from his door to the staircase. So bizarre.
He harassed me for several weeks afterward even though I told him I wasn’t interested. Finally, I had to tell him not to contact me anymore. He still sent occasional texts for another several weeks even though I didn’t respond.
Fortunately, I have come a long way in one-and-a-half years. I will never again do anything I don’t want to do in order to avoid hurting someone’s feelings. I shouldn’t have put myself in that situation in the first place. I should have insisted on meeting in a public place. I should have known his insistence on meeting at his place was a red flag. I should have known his inability to acknowledge my request for going to a cafe was a red flag.
I should have known.