Mutual adoration. It’s a term that might just perfectly capture what I’m looking for in a partner.

A friend of mine was recently tagged in a Facebook photo by her husband of, I don’t know, 15 years. It was captioned, “Yep, she is awesome.” When I saw it, I was immediately overtaken by sadness and wanted to burst into tears. I had to sit with this ugly emotion for a while and try to figure out why I felt that way. Of course, I was ecstatic for my friend. Don’t we all want a doting spouse? It’s the holy grail.

It didn’t take long for me to figure it out: It made me sad because I have never experienced that. I’m no spring chicken, either. I was married for 13 years, and I have had several long-term serious relationships during my life. I am experienced.

Will it ever happen? Or is it just not in the cards for me?

I have a great life. I have an amazing family. I have solid friendships. I am beautiful. I am healthy. I am successful. I am ambitious. I am talented. I live in my dream city. I am happy.

I have a lot to offer.

So why is it so hard? Has it been bad timing, or bad choices?

Would I even want it if i had it? Would I feel smothered? I hope not.

Is it even realistic? It’s probably extremely rare. But even if it is, I still want it even if I might not get it. I want someone who has my back, who wants to make my day better, and who publicly declares how awesome he thinks I am.

I want a honeymoon phase that never ends.