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As I mentioned yesterday, Racer X was going to be in town on a business trip in mid May for the first time since we had met on November 4, 2014.We have developed a friendship over the last year-and-a-half through regular emails. It is completely platonic. Proof: He sometimes calls me “kiddo”, which cracks me up.

When Racer X told me the news of his visit, I was newly single. He invited me to stay with him one night at his hotel in the east bay. I agreed. Sex was implied but not discussed.

Tex and I got back together in late April. I told Tex about Racer X’s upcoming visit and that I had agreed to stay overnight with him. I told Tex that I wanted/needed to see Racer X, whether or not I stayed overnight. It was all terrible timing. I suggested to Tex that we could delay getting back together until after Racer X’s visit or I could see Racer X and keep it platonic.

Tex took some time to think about it. A couple days later, I was surprised by his decision: I could see Racer X and even have sex with him if I wanted to. Whoa.

Obviously, this was not a decision he made lightly. He decided I could see and have sex with Racer X for these very specific reasons:

  • Tex was going to be out of town on a business trip the very same week Racer X would be here. In other words, Tex wouldn’t be available to see me anyway
  • Racer X lives on the east coast and, therefore, is a not a threat to our relationship
  • Racer X’s visits are rare
  • Tex bungled a very similar situation last October when we were in the process of getting back together after our late summer breakup. He felt like he owed this to me

Racer X’s visit was last week. He knew that Tex and I were back together, and that I was given permission to stay overnight with him. He thought it was pretty awesome of Tex. It was!

I couldn’t wait to see Racer X.What would it be like? Would we have chemistry? Would I have sex with him? We had just one 5-hour visit to base everything on so long ago. I was in a completely different state of mind back then.

Two days before I would see Racer X, Tex left town and I was missing him like crazy. We were sending constant “I miss you” and “I love you” texts. It was bittersweet. Then, on the evening I was going to see Racer X, Tex sent me a text basically saying, “I know you’ll be seeing Racer X tonight and, no, I haven’t changed my mind about anything. Have fun. I love you.” Awwww.

I got stuck in horrendous Bay Bridge traffic and was 30 minutes late getting to Racer X’s hotel. He had left a key for me at the front desk. I knocked on the hotel room door then used my card key. He startled me by coming to open the door just as I was opening the door. I had luggage to maneuver. It was strangely awkward.

I parked my luggage, took off my jacket, then… oh, I had forgotten to give him a hug! So we hugged. I don’t know why it was so awkward, but it was. It was awesome to finally see him again, though.

Racer X suggested getting margaritas on the patio so we headed downstairs to the lobby. We talked nonstop. We always do… in email, sometimes on the phone.

There was no sexual chemistry, though. It felt completely platonic. It felt like he was my cousin.

After the patio closed at 10, we went back upstairs to the room and talked until midnight. I sat on the desk chair, he sat on the edge of the bed.

Finally, I went to lie down on the bed and we continued our conversation…but not for very long. Racer X made a move.

We kissed, then made out. Clothes came off. I wasn’t feeling sparks or electricity but this felt damned good. I had remembered that he loved to give oral sex but couldn’t last time because I was spotting. Not this time! It was incredible. I honestly don’t know how he does it but he uses his finger and his mouth at the same time. Finger on the G spot and mouth on the clitoris = recipe for success!

Actual intercourse was good but over too quickly. I came to the horrifying realization during sex that I wanted Racer X to be Texas. Sex with Racer X made me miss Tex even more. I missed him badly.

Afterward, I dozed off for about 20 minutes with my head on Racer X’s chest. I awoke only to put my pajamas on, brush my teeth, and wash my face.

The bed was monstrous. It seemed even larger than a king bed. Racer X made no indication that he wanted to snuggle so we both fell asleep on our own side of the bed… with about 3′ of space between us.

We both awoke and immediately got ready for work. No morning sex; I was disappointed. He fetched me some coffee from the lobby while I finished getting ready, then left before me to get to his conference on time.

We met up at my house in San Francisco after work. He wanted to get dinner at Escape from New York pizzeria, which is in Tex’s neighborhood. I laughed. We ate pizza then went to Amoeba Records. Racer X collects vinyl and has a list of albums he’s always hunting for. Unfortunately, he didn’t find anything on his list so he left empty-handed.

We went back to my place. I made each of us a Pimm’s Cup cocktail. We talked for about an hour, then he announced he had to get going. It was 8:30 pm. His flight was at 6 am, which meant leaving the hotel to return the rental car at 4. Ouch.

When he left in November 2014, he was really torn up and sent several tearful emails from the airport and for several days afterward. Our super strong connection had made him feel conflicted. He said he felt pulled by his job, kids, and family on the east coast but felt pulled by me on the west coast. He wanted to be in two places at once.

This time, when we said our goodbyes, he told me, “Don’t worry. I don’t think I’ll be crying at the airport this time.” I asked him why. He said it was because he felt more resolved, more settled this time. I asked, “You mean…like we’ve had closure?” He emphatically agreed. I told him, “I feel the same way.”

We now have closure. There are no longer any “what ifs”. I am glad I saw him. I am glad I had sex with him. I had to know. I had to get it out of my system.

I know it’s strange to say this… but seeing Racer X only solidified my love for Texas. We are doing better than ever. I am crazy about him and am ecstatic to finally have a healthy adult relationship with solid communications and mutual respect. I feel very lucky.

Of course, I am still in contact with Racer X. He will always be a close friend.

Racer X sent me a sweet email from the airport. It said that he can’t explain our connection because his love for his other friends has developed over several years and through shared experiences over time. We don’t have that, but he loves me just the same. I feel the same way.