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I’ve seen Hayden twice since Friday. I’m smitten.

He arrived at my house bearing chocolate at 8:30 on Friday night. He certainly knows how to win my heart! The gorgeous bouquet of flowers from Joaquin on the dining room table were impossible to miss, yet he didn’t ask about them.

We settled in to watch television. I don’t even remember what we watched. Sadly, we couldn’t have sex because of my infection. There were lots of blowjobs for him, though, and I even brought out my magic wand for my pleasure.

I gave him a back massage; he was in heaven.

We slept intertwined that night. It was awesome not having to get up at the crack of dawn to get ready for work the next morning. Instead, we slept in and snuggled extensively. Around 10, we hoisted ourselves up and got ready. On our way to brunch, we hiked over to the panorama park with amazing views. It was a gorgeous day! Warm, crystal clear skies with incredible visibility. We decided to go back later to watch the Blue Angels air show.

We had a leisurely brunch on the roof deck at a neighborhood restaurant, then went back to the park to watch the air show. We constantly had our arms around each other, kissing, nuzzling, smiling.

Then we went back to my place to snuggle on the couch and watched The Walk. After the movie finished, he left to go home. I asked him to stay another night but he declined. I don’t know if it’s because he wants to keep his distance, thinks it’s too much too soon, or he had too much to do. It’s unclear.

I had tentative plans with Smolder that night but they fell through. No surprise there; they also fell through on Thursday night. We need to work on our communications because I think we are having repeated misunderstandings.

I actually welcomed having a night in to myself on Saturday night. I painted my fingernails, watched movies, took a hot epsom salts bath, and was in bed early due to a tenacious headache.

Hayden returned last night. He arrived at 6 pm. He brought beer and more chocolate! I wasn’t able to enjoy the beer because I was still on the wagon from the metrogel antibiotic. We made dinner together. While he was looking up a recipe for how to cook salmon from frozen, he referenced me as his girlfriend. What what?!

Us: *embracing tightly in the kitchen*

Me: Can you look up that recipe again?

*still embracing me while he got his phone out of his pocket*

Hayden: Lean on your girlfriend while looking up the recipe, sear salmon on both sides for 4 minutes, then cook tightly covered on the stovetop for 8 minutes….


After dinner we settled on the couch to watch Maleficent with the kids. We could hardly wait for the kids to go to bed because it meant much-anticipated business time! Last night was the first time I could have sex in 5 days due to the antibiotics… and it was awesome. Hayden was verbal and very passionate. After he climaxed, I got on top of him and he climaxed again.

Depeche Mode’s Black Celebration album was our sex soundtrack.

We slept wrapped tightly around each other the entire night in a constant bear hug with regular kisses. It felt divine.

He left at 7 this morning in a rush to get to work on time. We accidentally overslept.

I’ve heard from Joaquin a few times since we saw each other last week. They’re shorter than usual but super sweet. Last night I came to the realization that Joaquin is unable to give me what I need, and it’s unfair of me to even ask. I ultimately want a relationship, and that’s the last thing he needs right now. He has a lot on his plate: He’s a recovering addict, has chronic health issues, works at a law firm, and is studying for the bar exam. He is in the process of learning how to be an adult without relying on drugs and alcohol and he is doing admirably.

I need to ratchet down my expectations.

Of course, by the same token, I have no idea if Hayden wants a relationship… but at least he is equipped to have one if he desires one.

I think I have a first date tonight. Cute 25 year old from Eastern Europe. We scheduled over a week ago. I haven’t confirmed yet. More later.

Today I deleted Clover. Most guys on the app were young and it was frantic; I couldn’t keep up with all the conversations. I deleted Tinder over a month ago – did I already mention that? Soon to follow will be OK Cupid or Bumble. Both are at a near-standstill because I’m not active on either but I don’t know if I’m ready to delete both at the same time.