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My heart can barely handle this flip-flopping.

Last night with Joaquin was amazing. It felt sweet, familiar, and intimate.

He was late, as usual. He sent a text around 5 saying to expect him at 6. I texted, “That’s 6:30 in Joaquin time.” He responded, “You know me too well. But I’ll make it up to you.”

He didn’t arrive until 6:45. He texted me when he was nearby asking if I wanted to watch the sun set. I changed into warm clothes, grabbed my scarf and down jacket, and met him outside when he pulled up. We took a twilight walk to the panorama park and stood at a nice vantage point with our arms tightly around each other watching the ocean, the twinkling city lights, and the last sliver of sunset.

He told me that he was laid off at the law firm the day before, but that they were paying him through February and will re-hire him once he passes the bar. I told him about my paperwork fiasco regarding my application for promotion at work. It prompted a discussion about how life morphs into something you never intended when you least expect it. He said he’s going to change his emphasis from corporate law to entertainment law. Of course! Entertainment law is perfect for him.

Then I told him, “I don’t want to be a boss. I don’t really want the promotion. But my kids deserve it. I need the extra money.”

He responded, “Yeah, they need a vacation.”

He once again brought up Palm Springs. He said, “I want to take you to Palm Springs when I pass the bar. Fuck, I wish we didn’t have to wait that long!” He told me about a small, historic, adults-only hotel resort he used to stay in often.

I don’t know what any of this means, but I was touched to know that he’s thinking about a future with me in it.

We went back to my place and had sex for a couple hours. It was sweet and intense. I climaxed repeatedly.

Last night’s sex soundtrack courtesy of Mazzy Star. When Halah started playing, I almost lost it. That song almost always makes me sob.

We took a break to go out for Mexican food.

When we returned from dinner, more sex. He climaxed; I climaxed again several times. Then he serenaded me with his electric guitar. Damn, he’s an awesome player.

I was in bed and asleep by 12:30. He was up doing his usual stuff until 2:45. I heard him come to bed, which spurred another sex session. After a half-hour, I stopped him and said, “We really have to go to sleep.” I had to be at the office an hour earlier than usual for a meeting.

He was still asleep when I left early this morning, waking up only for goodbye nuzzles and kisses. I won’t see him again until next week.

I’m exhausted today. I think I had just 4 hours of broken sleep. And I think my bacterial vaginosis might be back, thanks to a pH balance upset from cock, saliva, lube, lotion, fingers. My poor vagina. It’s complicated and fragile.

Tonight: Hayden. I can’t wait.

At what point will I know things are becoming serious with either of them? Neither are great with text communications, which leaves me feeling distant from them on the days we don’t see each other. Out of sight, out of mind. Generally speaking, of course. I think about both of them often, I just don’t have the reassurance and comfort of daily interaction.

I suppose I need to wait for “the discussion”. I cannot assume anything. And, admittedly, I won’t bring it up because I don’t want to be forced to make a decision I’m not ready to make. If Hayden wants a relationship, it means I’ll have to end things with Joaquin. If Joaquin wants a relationship (however unlikely), it means I’ll have to end things with Hayden. I’m not ready to give up either guy.

However, if either of them broaches the topic, I’ll happily welcome a relationship. First come, first served.