, ,

I had a difficult day yesterday. I was feeling down about Joaquin. I came to the unfortunate realization that I want to see him more often than once/week. I think it would be nearly impossible for him to grant. I feel like it’s not fair of me to even ask.

He has done better with text communications… but only slightly better. It’s not enough. I also realized I have completely stopped sending him unsolicited texts. Since sharing with me that he gets anxiety receiving texts from his parents and female love interests, I have completely backed off. I don’t want to add to his anxiety.

But I also need the connection. I don’t want to be waiting for his texts so that I can communicate with him.

Our current arrangement is not working for me. But could I break it off? I am so attached to him. Probably not.

I cried on my commute home. Almost as if he could sense my pain, I received a very sweet text from him… which only amplified my sadness.

His text:

Left and locked up an hour ago, heading back to Marin. Thank you so much for letting me study at your place. And for making me come. It just keeps getting better and better with you, and last night/this morning was incredible. Until next week. Kisses.

And then I received another text from him last night, sending me a gorgeous photo he took of the Golden Gate Bridge on his drive home.

Exhausted. And happy. Thinking of you.

I didn’t even know what to say so I waited until this morning to respond. What is wrong with me?!

None of this would be a problem if I didn’t like him so much. The way I see it, I have 3 options: 1) Accept it the way it currently is, 2) Tell him I want to see him more often and risk being resented, and 3) Fade away / break it off.

None make me happy… and I can’t even decide which is the least upsetting option. Of course, option 1 would be awesome if I could do it. I’m not sure I can.