Hayden and I had an incredible time last night. I am always blown away by how attracted to him I am. I get giddy.
We went out for Indian food. We walked hand-in-hand, occasionally kissing, and he was so doting during dinner. “Order whatever you want, Baby.” “Are you sure you don’t want a drink?” After dinner, we went to the neighborhood market and picked up a 6-pack of the awesome Kronenbourg 1664 French beer, one of my favorites. He is such a gentleman and insisted on carrying the restaurant leftovers and the beer while also holding my hand.
Back at my place, we watched 10 Cloverfield Lane, an episode of Wilfred, and a couple episodes of Arrested Development. Not even 10 minutes into 10 Cloverfield Lane we were all over each other and had tender, passionate sex on my couch.
We had sex twice more before bed, then again this morning. Then I pulled open the curtains so we could watch the sunrise together. It was a super clear fog-less morning; the sunrise was gorgeous.
I cannot get enough of Hayden. And I am overjoyed to be seeing him again tonight. Hallefuckinglujah!
My feelings for him were raging. I had to refrain many times from telling him I love him. I know! I think I love him.
All my hurt feelings over Joaquin fell away. I know that’s not fair to say… but it’s true.
Hayden is a catch. He’s everything I want and need. He wants to make me happy. He is polite, friendly, reasonable, grounded, thoughtful, genuine, and affectionate. I love spending time with him. We get along so well. It feels right.
Joaquin, on the other hand, is complex. It feels right with Joaquin, too, but in different ways. I don’t want to lose Joaquin but I am starting to believe that letting him go is what is fair for both of us. Keeping things as they are is only going to erode what we have. I won’t be satisfied and will become resentful; he’ll become bewildered and confused because he’s not doing anything wrong (and he’s not). I need more.
I am considering telling Joaquin to focus completely on the bar and contact me after he wraps up in February. That would give me time to explore a relationship with Hayden. And who knows… I’ll either be single again by then or Hayden and I will be even more enamored with each other.
Even if Hayden weren’t in the picture, I think this still might be the most reasonable approach.
I don’t want to complicate my life. If I could handle my emotions surrounding Joaquin, this wouldn’t be an issue and I’d continue seeing him 1x/week. But I don’t think my heart can handle that… especially as I become closer with Hayden.
In other news, a good male friend (and ex-boyfriend) of mine has offered to pay for my flight to visit him while on vacation in Scotland next month. I am tempted. Mars said he’d cover my child custody days if I want to go. So what’s stopping me? Although this friend says it is a “no strings attached” offer and would be completely platonic, he has told me numerous times over the years that I was “the one that got away” and that losing me is one of his biggest regrets in life. He believes karma has made him a perpetual bachelor because of how things ended between us in 1994.
Plus, right before Thanksgiving is not the best time for me to go and I don’t have much vacation time off available. Still, I am tempted and seriously considering it. I really need a vacation!