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Seeing Hayden two nights in a row was fantastic. He came over on Friday night right after work. We ordered pizza delivery, watched the movie Brooklyn, and fucked frequently. Once again I was overcome with feelings of love… and/or lust. The feelings are sometimes hard to differentiate.

The next morning, we ate pancakes at the dining table with Joaquin’s sunflowers as the centerpiece. I find it fascinating that Hayden has never once asked about the different flower arrangements on my table almost every week.

I told him about the Scotland proposition. He seemed a little rattled and said, “I don’t think his offer is platonic.” I dropped it. It seemed to be a sore subject. I probably won’t accept the offer for this reason among others (mainly child custody and financial technicalities).

We took a hike in my neighborhood, this time to a different park. We stood with our arms wrapped around each other gazing at the ocean view for about 45 minutes, kissing frequently. We discussed possibly taking a trip around the holidays.

He left in the early afternoon. I was disappointed he had to leave so early. I cleaned my house and studied. (I’m studying for a promotional exam.)

Around 8 pm, while I was drinking hot tea with honey (I had a sore throat and was feeling under the weather), I got a text from an unknown number. A simple “hey”. Google search showed it was a New Jersey number. I was perplexed.

Turns out it was a guy I went on 2 dates with almost 2 years ago. We had met on OK Cupid; he had obviously contacted me since he was below my specified age range. He was 25 at the time… the youngest I’d knowingly gone on a date with until recently.

Our first date was fantastic. We met at a neighborhood bar and hit it off instantly. Surprisingly, we had a lot in common and couldn’t stop talking and laughing. He was super cute in a nerdy hipster way and had glasses, short hair, 5 o’clock shadow, big blue eyes, stunning smile. We kissed each other goodbye after the date and were both left wanting more.

The second date was about a week later. We met at a bar in his neighborhood and once again hit it off. All was going fabulously until it was time to say goodbye. He sat in my car with me for a while. We started making out, then he suddenly announced he had to go and took off without so much as a goodbye.

And then the strange texting behavior started. We’d have some great text conversations then he’d drop out. He’d ask me out but it was usually last-minute and that obviously doesn’t work with my schedule.

I think the last time I heard from his was last winter. I was seeing Texas at the time and informed him I was in a relationship and unavailable. And then I must have deleted his number at some point… never to hear from him again until last night.

He invited me over to his place to catch up over some wine. Something low-key like that appealed to me. I did have my reservations, though. This guy didn’t have a great track record with me. Still, I was curious and my curiosity got the best of me.

I showed up to his place at 9:30. I was a little shocked; he looked completely different! I wouldn’t have recognized him had he not been waiting for me at the front door. He now had long hair, a full beard, and was buff. I preferred his old nerdy look over the current surfer dude look.

We caught up for quite a while. I had many updates to share, as did he. He had a new job, had done some traveling, was surfing a lot. I was single again, had passed the last two exams to become licensed in California, had purchased a new car, and had filed for divorce. I asked about his love life over the past 2 years and told him about mine.

We put on a movie but it was soon apparent he had other plans when he started rubbing my leg. We started kissing. I gave him a back massage, then he asked for a stomach massage. Say what?! I told him I didn’t know how to do a stomach massage but would try my best. I was doing a pretty good job if I do say so myself but after a while, he whispered, “go lower”.

I handled him and gave him a blowjob. Then I told him it was my turn for a back massage. He obliged. After that, he laid in front of me on the couch so that I was the big spoon with my arms around him. Now, I don’t mind being the big spoon… but he was not being affectionate at all. WTF.

We were both starting to doze off. Fuck that. What was I doing here?! I realized I’d rather be home so I told him I was leaving. He didn’t seem that surprised. He walked me to the door and told me to text him when I got home, which I thought was sweet.

I don’t plan to see him again.

I spent today grocery shopping, studying, napping, and taking the kids to the pumpkin patch with Mars.

I’ve had some time to think about Joaquin. I was pissed off I hadn’t heard from him since Thursday. I don’t know what to do about him. He knows how I feel about text communications and has offered to do better… but technically hasn’t. I feel as though we’re worse off than we used to be because now I don’t even feel comfortable texting first.

And if I tell him I need to see him more often to feel close to him and not resentful that I’m losing touch, it could start interfering with my time with Hayden.

Something’s wrong with this picture. I should theoretically be fine with seeing him once/week. I realized today that I would be okay with that if I simply heard from him more often. I think it’s fucked up that he doesn’t text during the weekend.

He did send a text around 7 tonight. It said, “It’s gray and gloomy here and I’m thinking of you in bed with me”. That’s it. It would be sweet if it weren’t also hurtful after 4 full days of silence.

The bottom line is I believe he’d reach out to me more often if he was thinking of me. I take it as a yellow flag that he’s not.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say to him when I see him on Wednesday. Ann had good advice when she said not to do anything until I have clear direction and know what I want. I’ll be ruminating in the meantime.

I have been chatting with 96% and a 97% matches on OK Cupid. They want to meet but I have been dragging my heels. I’ve realized in the past couple days that I don’t have the desire to meet newbies right now. Maybe next week.

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