Joaquin and I had a really nice chat Wednesday night during our weekly date. Unbelievably, he’s still in the game. I didn’t kick him to the curb as planned. Once again, he surprised me with his emotional depth and honesty. More importantly, he wants to make things work.
I almost postponed meeting up with him. I didn’t want any drama before my promotional exam. However, I knew that I was only dragging my heels if we didn’t have a heart-to-heart chat this week… and I’d only become more resentful if I waited.
By the time he arrived on Wednesday night, I was livid because he was nearly 2 hours late. He was in constant text contact with me but things kept snowballing. Most things were out of his control but I was not amused regardless. He had offered to pick up sushi on his way over. I told him to do it only if it was quick and easy.
I must have jinxed him. The first place he ordered from had over an hour for estimated pick-up time so he placed an order at another place. In the meantime, he went shopping to pick up some milk for his morning coffee. When he realized how late it was getting, he asked me if I wanted to pick up the sushi to speed things up. Oh hell no. I sent a short snippy text in response saying, “Please pick it up. Thanks.” I was over it. I didn’t even want the complications of him picking up sushi in the first place; I would have preferred he come straight to my place and we either get something delivered or go out to eat.
When he finally arrived at 8:45, he saw how angry I was and apologize profusely. It was not a good start to our evening. Finally, I told him, “Stop. It’s ok. I’m just annoyed by how late it is. I’m not blaming you.”
We sat down to eat and almost immediately he said there were several things on his mind he wanted to talk about. My first thought was, ‘Oh yeah, me too. Get in line’ but I wondered if, like last time, he was reading my mind and wanted to discuss the same things I did.
He said he wanted to always be honest with me, and that I should know that in addition to me, he’s seeing 2 other women regularly. He was wondering if polyamory was right for him. Oh god, not this again!
He did say that I was the only woman he was seeing every week.
I told him I was not polyamorous and that I eventually wanted to have a monogamous, committed relationship. He specifically told me he wasn’t ready to hear details of my dating or sex life… but that he assumed I was dating and fucking others. I nodded, then said, “Of course I am. My high sex drive requires it when I’m not in a relationship. Seeing someone once/week, like I do with you, is not enough.”
I also said, “When you’re ready to hear details, I would like to talk to you about it because it’s been distressing.” He said he did want to hear it, but wasn’t ready to hear it yet; he still struggles with jealousy. Maybe he’ll be ready next week or the week after. I want to tell him about Hayden and how things are heating up with him… and that it would eventually mean saying goodbye to Joaquin. Joaquin should know that our future depends on what happens between me and Hayden.
He said, “I want you in my life. Lauren, do you realize we’ve been seeing each other once/week since early August? Once a week! That’s unbelievable. I look forward to seeing you every week.”
After we exhausted that topic, I told Joaquin there was something I wanted to talk with him about and cut right to the chase by announcing, “I don’t feel like my needs are being met.” I talked about his texting behavior. My issue: I don’t feel close with him when I only see him once/week and am not in regular communications with him.
His response stunned me. He told me he wants to meet my needs, that he doesn’t want to make me sad or frustrated. He said he doesn’t like text and that he doesn’t feel connected to me through texting. I know this. He suggested phone calls. I was shocked and touched. That would certainly fulfill my need; it’s even better than texting!
He also suggested occasionally seeing each other more than once/week… like 2 nights in a row then a weekend day. Yes! Now we’re talking.
He said, “I know I’m hard to be around. I worry you’ll get sick of me if you see me more often.”
And that right there is probably the moral of the story. I think that’s also why he thinks he’s polyamorous right now. I spoke with my friend Lola about this yesterday and we both believe this might be Joaquin’s protective mechanism. He doesn’t believe anyone will tolerate – let alone love – him if they get to know him too well. His solution is to see a few women infrequently and keep his distance to prolong the relationships.
He’s had just one relationship since sobriety; it was disastrous and dysfunctional.
I told him that as much as he drives me crazy with his tardiness, his late nights, and his difficulty climaxing, I like spending time with him and would like to spend more time with him.
We talked about a lot. I can’t remember all the details of the conversation but the bottom line is that he wants to make this work in any way he can. And he also said, “You can walk away when I can no longer fulfill your needs. I hope it doesn’t come to that, though, because I’ll be sad.”
When we realized the topic was adequately discussed, we gave each other a big bear hug then resumed our evening… which mainly involved lots of awesome sex.
I love that Joaquin and I can resolve conflicts so easily and effectively. It’s such a welcome change from my experience with Texas.
I saw Hayden last night. I feel closer than ever to him. He’s so doting, tender, and affectionate. He gives me goosebumps and butterflies. We’ll be seeing each other again tonight. I’m smiling just thinking about it.