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It was a low-key, quiet, rainy weekend with the kids doing Halloween prep. After the kids were in bed on Saturday night, I watched lots of TV. I rented Up In The Air. I had seen it once before and loved it. It’s a good movie to cry to… and I needed to have a good cry. I ugly sobbed. The movie is about the importance of human connection, and inadvertently becoming attached to someone who doesn’t feel the same way.

Yesterday, I took the kids to see Storks. That movie made me cry, too. I might be the only person in the world who can say that. It was sweet, though… seeing all those parents around the world meeting their babies for the first time. The movie acknowledged the trials & triumphs of parenting and illustrated the magic of family and friends.

My time with Hayden on Friday night was really nice. I had my big promotional exam on Friday afternoon and also had a headache most of the day. He was sweetly doting, offering to get up and get me glasses of water repeatedly. I’m pretty sure we watched a movie but can’t recall which movie.

I won’t see him again until Wednesday. Boo. He did say that he’d like to talk on the phone in the meantime, though, since it will be a while before we see each other again. That was a nice touch. Unfortunately, due to our schedules, we won’t be able to talk until tomorrow night.

I spoke with Joaquin last night on the phone. Our first phone chat in lieu of texting. It was nice to talk with him. We’re meeting each other for a hike to watch the sunset on Thursday early evening.

I feel very close and secure when I see and/or am in contact with someone I’m dating regularly but start doubting intentions and feelings when there is a lag. I felt it with Joaquin this weekend, and with Hayden yesterday. They are gut-wrenching feelings of doubt. I hate it. The thoughts literally make my skin crawl and my hair stand up on end.

It was first triggered with Hayden on Saturday after he left. He was heading directly to see his brother and his brother’s new girlfriend. His brother’s girlfriend was in town for a visit from London so Hayden was going to meet her for the first time.

I checked in with him via text on Saturday afternoon asking how the visit went. He said his brother’s girlfriend is “very cool, sweet, smart”. That, of all things, put me into a tailspin. Would he say the same about me? Did he tell his brother about me? Would he prefer someone closer to him in age he can build a future with? Does he see a future with me… or am I just a good-time girl, a placeholder?

I’m not getting the attention I need even from Hayden. It bothers me that he usually drops out of our text conversations and doesn’t ever send me ‘good morning’ or ‘goodnight’ texts.

Self-doubt is a beast. My obsessive thoughts snowball and take me down a dangerous path. I know that unless I think positively, my behavior will jeopardize these relationships. Maybe I’m getting too attached. Maybe I need to step back.

I don’t know how to do that other than start focusing my mind elsewhere. Do I do that by taking up new hobbies? Aggressively dating again?

I’m seeing Colombian Hottie tomorrow night. He’s been patiently asking for 3 weeks. And then I wonder… Is it because he wants to have sex? Because fuck that.

That’s probably not fair. Still, I don’t know what to think about him. Why is he still coming around?!

I’m trying to pull myself out of this funk. Fortunately, today is my favorite holiday. It’s appropriate that my thoughts are mimicking the scary, grisly theme of the day.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

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