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I feel compelled to explain why I have decided to go on a first date with a promising newbie when I may be on the brink of a relationship with Hayden. Thoughts are rattling around in my head and I’m mainly hoping writing it out will help crystallize my thoughts.

Things with Hayden feel right, but they don’t feel perfect. I know, I know. Perfection is a ridiculous expectation. My main issue with Hayden is his infrequent availability. That would likely change if we become exclusive… but it might not. I don’t know if I’d be happy only seeing him 2-3x/week like I currently do.

The other issue is that I obviously don’t know his true feelings for me. I don’t know if he wants a relationship. I don’t know if he wants a relationship with me.

I will say, though, that becoming closer with Hayden has made me more satisfied with Joaquin’s unavailability. And adding a regular newbie would probably make me more satisfied with Hayden’s unavailability. Hayden can only see me 2 times this week, rather than 3? No problem, I’ll just squeeze newbie into there. The newbie has to be a good fit, though, and he must be interested enough in me to meet up at least once/week. That’s what is missing with the other men in my life, such as Colombian Hottie and Luxe and even Surfer Dude.

This is likely all about balancing my expectations and regulating my emotions. It’s probably not healthy, but it does make it easier when things are still so uncertain.

That said, I would be happy to have a relationship with Hayden if and when he’s ready. I have slight concerns about our long-term viability but they’re honestly minor. I wish he had more life experiences similar to mine (travel, concerts/music, sex) and I wish he was a little more sexually assertive and focused on foreplay but those are not deal-breakers. They’re even likely to be non-issues in the future. I am crazy about him, though. Even better, I can’t imagine ever having an argument with him. Our dynamic is so comfortable.

I do still dream of finding someone who knocks my socks off and who is at the same place as I am at the same time. Maybe that’ll be Mr. 95%.

I wouldn’t normally agree to a date with a newbie but there seems to be something there. I don’t say that about many guys. Interestingly, I did say that before my first dates with Joaquin and Hayden so maybe there’s something to it. My intuition is demanding that I further investigate.

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