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…Only I didn’t. Major fail.

While driving to Joaquin’s house in the heavy rain on Saturday afternoon, I contemplated how I would tell him about Hayden. This was going to be difficult because he still wasn’t ready to hear details about my dating life.

Of course, last time we’d discussed it, I’d made it clear I was dating others whether he was ready to know or not.

I’d decided that I would tell him soon after I arrived that there was “someone I’d been dating that I’m getting serious with” and take the conversation from there.

I pulled up to his place and parked. What I didn’t anticipate is that he would come out to the car to greet me. I was barely out of the car when he immediately hugged and kissed me. I hadn’t seen him in a week-and-a-half. It was so good to see him. I got flustered… and the fluster continued.

Once inside his house, I set my stuff down then he immediately unbuttoned my pants, pushed me onto his bed, and took me from behind. Uh oh. This wasn’t how I saw this going at all! My loose plans to tell him had failed. My plans were too loose.

I don’t need any lectures. I am disappointed enough in myself. I let it happen. This was a mistake.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to bring up Hayden now. To do that would be signaling to Joaquin that having sex with him is okay despite my relationship with Hayden. It’s not.

All that said, there was nothing different about my relationship with Hayden except for the knowledge that I now knew he wasn’t seeing anyone else and that he considered me his girlfriend. He hadn’t asked if I was seeing anyone. In fact, he’s never asked me what I do on the days I don’t see him. I am perplexed by this. It’s possible he thinks I am with my kids or home alone enjoying downtime like he does. We didn’t have a “relationship” talk on Saturday morning. But since I now knew he considered me his girlfriend, I of course knew I wanted him to be my boyfriend.

Hayden is definitely not a romantic. He’s very matter-of-fact and laissez-faire. It’s possible he doesn’t need to know where he stands with me. Or maybe he assumes he was my boyfriend all along.

None of this excuses what happened with Joaquin; it simply explains what I was thinking a mere 5 hours after having that talk with Hayden and before seeing Joaquin. I hadn’t had time to completely process everything.

Joaquin and I had a really nice time leisurely Saturday afternoon and evening together. We went out to dinner, got frozen yogurt, went to the grocery store, watched the movie Lovelace… and I even had my first guitar lesson in almost 25 years! I used Joaquin’s awesome super-expensive Fender electric to complete 2 online guitar lessons. I was hooked again.

We had sex repeatedly. When it got late, it didn’t bother me when he said, “I’d really love to cuddle with you but we really need to get to sleep. If we cuddle, we’ll just end up having sex all night…. which isn’t bad… but it’s late and we need sleep.” The truth is we have never really cuddled because he can’t do so without getting really turned on and wanting to have sex. Sometimes, though, I wonder if his “let’s not cuddle” excuse is a way for him to avoid intimacy.

I stayed overnight, then left the next morning at 10. On my way out, I told him that I could see him again on Tuesday night and to let me know if that worked for him. Side note: It’s now late Tuesday night. I haven’t heard from him.

I am now putting my plan in place to tell Joaquin about Hayden. I’ve decided that next time he texts I’m going to ask to speak with him on the phone. I’ll tell him over the phone that I’m seeing someone I’m getting serious with** and ask if he’d like to further discuss it in person. I’ll let him decide if he wants to see me.

**Lola has advised me not to tell him I have a boyfriend right out of the gates, as that would probably be too much for him. I have no idea how he’s going to handle the news.

I think/hope we will be able to move to a platonic friendship. He’s made it clear in the past that he would like me in his life in whatever way possible, even if that means something solely platonic. And I’d like him in my life, too.

I have Joaquin to credit for re-igniting my passion in guitar. Seeing him play every week for the past 3 months has sparked in me a desire to play again. I haven’t played in over 20 years due to a finger fracture that never really healed correctly… apparently until recently. On Saturday I was surprised to find that I can actually play notes again without uncomfortable stiffness. I was thrilled.

I dug out my son’s cheap acoustic Sunday night and continued practicing. I plan on buying myself a cheap Fender electric package as an early Christmas gift.

I am excited! Now that I’m no longer dating and am seeing Hayden exclusively 3x/week, I’ll have time to devote to a new hobby.

I will be sure to post about Joaquin’s reaction as soon as I can. With the Thanksgiving holiday the day after tomorrow, it’s not going to happen until next week.

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