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Joaquin had a chaotic day and couldn’t call to chat, so we waited until he arrived at my place. I told him in person.

It fucking sucked.

I didn’t expect it to be this hard.

He arrived at 8:20 and was gone by 9:30. I spent the rest of the evening bawling my eyes out, and crying first thing this morning when I woke up. I am emotionally raw.

I explained that I was now seeing Hayden, that we have been seeing each other more and more frequently and just last week decided to be exclusive. I told Joaquin that I had very strong feelings for him but that what he could provide wasn’t enough for me. I reiterated that I needed contact more than once/week and needed more frequent text communications. Like I always suspected, he said he wasn’t emotionally capable of that right now.

He understood where I was coming from. He asked if I was happy with Hayden. I smiled and said yes.

But we stumbled over where to go from here. I told him I wanted to continue things as they were, only platonically. I wanted his friendship.

He said he didn’t know how our new arrangement would work. He wouldn’t be able to stay the night. I then started crying. It was then that I realized our relationship was now forever changed. I didn’t want to lose him. I wanted him in my life somehow.

He told me I was the only stable and consistent thing in his life.

We said a lot more things… very sweet and heart-felt things.

He excused himself to go to the bathroom. He was gone for several minutes. When he returned, he said he didn’t feel well and that he needed to go home and process everything. He said, “I feel really sad and I feel other things that are confusing to me right now. It won’t help for me to stay here with you. I need to go. I need some time.”

He asked if I could chat on the phone tomorrow. I said of course.

He gathered his things. I gave him a long hug and told him to promise me that I would see him again. He promised. And he said he’d talk with me the next day (today).

Then he left quickly without saying anything else.

I ran to my bedroom, threw myself onto my bed, crumbled into a ball face-down, and sobbed.

I know this was the right thing to do. Still, it hurts.