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My state of mind sucks right now.

I cried off & on at work yesterday. Joaquin had said the night before that he’d call to chat, but he didn’t. I figured he was still processing things.

I came home and cried some more while cooking a fancy dinner for Hayden. I pulled myself together before he arrived. I don’t think he suspected anything.

We had a really nice evening together. In typical Hayden fashion, he was so doting and sweet all night. In fact, when I woke up in the middle of the night sick, he sat with me on the edge of my bed, getting me glasses of cold water, and told me that if I needed to throw up that he would walk with me to the bathroom. What did I do to deserve him?

I sent Joaquin a text this morning telling him to let me know when he’d like to talk, as I didn’t hear from him yesterday as planned.

I stayed home from work sick today. I was in bed with a massive headache and nausea all day. I mostly slept.

I received the following long text from Joaquin this afternoon:

Hi Lauren. 

I care about you a lot. And I know you care about me.

I think it’s important to tell you, I’m not mad or resentful or angry. I’m bummed out. And it’s a weird thing to be sad and still care about the person who doesn’t want to see you anymore – AND not be mad at them.

You did nothing wrong. I know you know that. I want you to know that I know that.

You mentioned that you were thinking this a month ago. So you’ve had a bit of time to feel this and think about it. I haven’t. I need more time before I think we can have a conversation that’s productive in any way.

But I want you to know I am not disappearing,  not going anywhere. And you can always reach out to me if you want to talk or need anything.

You have to take care of yourself – and me myself and the bar exam is number one at this point. 

We will talk. I promise.

A couple hours later, I sent mine in response:

Hi Joaquin. It was really good to hear from you. I was worried.

I’m hurting, too. This truly sucks.

I haven’t had a month to think about this. I’ve really only had less than a week. It doesn’t make it any easier, though. It was a month ago that you mentioned seeing other women and that I brought up to you that my needs weren’t being met, that I needed more consistent communications from you to feel connected between weekly visits.

When that didn’t happen, I simply figured that A) You were more interested in someone else that was taking your time and energy, and/or B) You weren’t capable of providing more.

I wanted more. It was clear to me that you didn’t.

I adore you and think we’re compatible in many ways. It’s not true that I don’t want to see you anymore. We can’t have what we had – as much as I would like to – but we can be friends. I want you in my life. I can’t bear the thought of you not seeing you regularly.

I want to talk with you. I want to see you, too. I’ve been learning Good Riddance and would love to play it for you sometime. My new seafoam green electric Fender should be arriving in a couple weeks.  

Let me know when you’re ready.

—–

I am hurting; Joaquin is hurting. I am devastated. How could this have been prevented? In retrospect, I don’t know that there’s anything I could have done differently.

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