I realized just yesterday that you all must think I’m batshitcrazy for being so bent over Joaquin. Who does this bitch think she is?! She was complaining about Joaquin for at least a couple weeks before kicking him to the curb and now she’s “devastated”? WTF?! What a psycho!
I don’t have to explain… but I want to.
I realized now that I was telling myself a story about Joaquin. It might have been true; it might have been 100% fiction. I may never know.
The things I told myself:
- Actions speak louder than words
- This arrangement of no-strings-attached once/week sex is ideal for him
- If he truly cared about me, he’d reach out via call or text more often
- If he truly cared about me, he’d want to see me more often
I’m sure you all saw these in my most recent posts about him. I’m second-guessing myself now and wondering if I was wrong.
The last night I saw him, on the night I broke the news to him, he said to me soon after arriving, “I’ve been thinking about you a lot.” He’d never said that before.
Later, he looked at me, sighed, and said, “You look so good tonight.”
And then, while kissing me and looking into my eyes, he said, “God, you’re so pretty.”
I’m replaying these in my mind and agonizing. The timing was ironic. Sure, he always told me I was gorgeous, amazing, hot, etc. On this night, however, it felt different.
I could be imagining that.
It’s stupid to replay this in my mind and it doesn’t matter because ultimately it was too little too late.
I now know that he cared. A lot. We just had different needs. More importantly, I need to question my internal dialogue more often because the story I was telling myself was incorrect. I feel horrible for not giving him the benefit of the doubt.