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Being in a relationship brings up all sorts of emotional garbage for me. Maybe I really do need counseling, not necessarily to help me process letting go of Joaquin as Tanya recommended, but to help me figure out why I struggle so much as soon as I enter “relationship” status with someone.

Dating is fun. Dating multiple people is fun. No one person is my single focus, which I think is the key to my success. I am successful in my interpersonal love relationships as long as I don’t focus on one guy.

How fucked up is that?!

Maybe I should stick with casual dating or maybe I really should look into open relationships. The serial monogamist in me doesn’t care for either idea, though.

I want to have a good, healthy relationship with just one guy.

I am a little obsessive by nature. As soon as I focus on something, it almost always becomes an obsession. When I was a stay-at-home mom for a year after the births of each of my two children, I focused too much on them. Every spare moment was spent researching some parenting-related thing, such as nutrition, environmental toxicity, the best bottle, the cutest clothing, why my son was such a picky eater and never slept and did I somehow do something to cause it, how to prevent illness, daycare providers, etc.

It was exhausting. It was an obsession. As soon as I went back to work even part-time, this obsession disappeared and I became much more balanced. I thought about things other than my kids… which was much healthier.

Whenever I’ve tracked my nutrition and/or calorie intake, I’ve become obsessive. I found that it caused me too think about food too much. Focusing on food meant I thought about it all the time, which meant I accidentally sabotaged myself. Thinking about food all the time inadvertently made me think about treats like ice cream and chocolate. Or, even better, chocolate ice cream. Yum.

Tracking my food intake never worked for me. As soon as I stopped recording my diet, I stopped focusing on food and treats and had much better success.

Being in a relationship means I automatically focus too much on one person. It’s preposterous to me. I have a busy and fulfilled life: I’m a mom to 2, I have a fabulous job, I have lots of close family and friends… and yet here I am obsessing over what and when my boyfriend texts me. It’s embarrassing, really.

I need to figure out how to be happy and secure in a relationship. I noticed it with Tex and I’m noticing it with Hayden. I find myself getting irrationally upset by how often Hayden texts and the content of his texts. On days I don’t see him, I put our text conversations under a microscope and dissect them. I doubt his feelings for me. I doubt whether I should be in a relationship with him.

The ironic thing is that I was perfectly content with him before we became exclusive.

My gut says it may be one of two things: 1) My obsessive nature, or 2) My high expectations for a boyfriend.

Wednesday was bad for me. I spent most of the evening in tears.

How do I get past this? I hate being this way.