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On Monday, during the height of my freakout, I did the unthinkable and downloaded Bumble. It was a sloppy and ill thought out attempt to take focus off Hayden, to ease my emotional pain.

A psychologist would have a field day with my choice to do that, I’m sure.

While I was swiping, I came across Joaquin’s profile. I refused to swipe left or right, then immediately set my profile to “undiscoverable”.

Joaquin’s profile still included much of the same info I saw a couple months back, including the infamous “I’ll hold the door open for you, then hold you down.” Ick.

But seeing his profile brought some clarity and closure.

It’s been two weeks since I’ve heard from Joaquin, which I find hurtful.

Maybe he really was just enjoying the weekly sex and, now that he couldn’t see me for sex, he didn’t want any contact. Maybe I really wasn’t his friend.

A friend would reach out by now, wouldn’t he? How could he just throw me away like that?

I am angry… and the anger makes it easier to care less.