Yesterday was emotionally overwhelming. I heard from Ten, Colombian Hottie, and Joaquin.
Ten sent me a text telling me hello and that he was thinking about me. That was a surprise, as I hadn’t heard from him since our one and only date in early October. He’s leaving for vacation in Thailand today and asked me what my plans were for last night. I told him I was doing the last of my holiday preparations then never heard back from him. I think he was fishing for a date.
I am in fairly regular contact with Colombian Hottie. Yesterday he sent me a text wishing me happy holidays. We talked about our plans for the holidays (he’s leaving for Colombia to visit family today). Then he said, “I hope you’re happy, as always.” I told him I am and that I’m seeing someone new.
He congratulated me, said he was happy for me, then said, “But I’m sad it’s not me.” What what?! I told him I had no idea he wanted a relationship with me and that I would have loved to explore one with him had I known.
I asked him if he was seeing anyone special and he said, “No, I was waiting for you.”
Fuck. I felt like shit. I have to remember, though, that it’s not my fault that I wasn’t “reading between the lines” on his intentions. Dude needs to work on his communications skills and be more assertive.
Still, the could-have-beens made me sad.
And Joaquin. *sigh* Two days after sending that happy birthday text, I finally got a response yesterday. He was touched I remembered his birthday. He said his life is boring right now: It involves waking up, studying, then going back to bed. He said he hopes I’m doing well and that he misses me, too. No mention of when he might want to talk again.
I don’t think I’ll respond because I don’t know what to say. He already knows how I feel.
In happier news, Hayden and I survived holiday shopping two nights ago. It went well. I don’t do well with shopping and crowds in general but he helped calm me. At one point, when I needed assistance in Target’s electronics department (they keep the display cases locked), he immediately tracked down an employee for me to unlock it. It was sweet.
I am always the one who says “I love you” first. He always says it back, followed by “so much”… but I don’t want him to feel like I’m fishing for it. I say it because I mean it. And I do want him to sometimes say it first instead of in response to me.
That night, in a drowsy post-sex state, I asked him why he doesn’t say it first. He said, “It’s not something I’m used to. I haven’t said it in a long time and I want to get back in the habit. I love you. I love you. I love you.”
I told him that Words of Affirmation is my second love language (after Physical Touch) and that I need to hear it. I told him that Mars rarely said it, i.e. probably only half a dozen times in our 16 year relationship. I hope Hayden understands the importance.
Speaking of Mars, we had dinner together last night. Just the two of us. For the first time since separating over 2 years ago. It was really nice. He’s still one of my favorite people and I’m glad he’s family. I’m glad he’s the father of my kids. (Naturally, he’s already met Hayden a few times.)
I’m seeing Hayden again tonight for the last time until Wednesday. We’re having our Christmas celebration tonight with the kids. I’m looking forward to it.
I probably won’t be able to post before Christmas. For those of you who celebrate it, I wish you a very Merry Christmas!