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I have been thinking about Joaquin a lot lately. I miss him.

I made my choice and I chose Hayden. It was an easy choice. Why would I choose someone who didn’t want to be in a relationship? But I am tormented by my wandering thoughts, wondering if I would have made the same choice had Joaquin been ready for a relationship.

Their differences are incredible.

Joaquin is expressive. I never had to wonder what he was thinking and feeling. I loved that he is so emotionally mature. Hayden, on the other hand, is not expressive and seems emotionally guarded. I wonder if he’s even a bit repressed. It could be because he’s had a rough family life. His mom died when he was a teenager; his dad remarried fairly quickly and has essentially turned his back on Hayden and his brother and is unresponsive to calls and emails. Up until his mom died, the family was very close. I can only imagine his pain. I would be torn up about it if this had happened in my family.

He doesn’t seem to want to talk about it when I ask.

Joaquin was a recovering addict and, therefore, does not drink alcohol. He didn’t mind if I drank in front of him but I never did with the exception of our first date. We drank a lot of sparkling water together. I did miss that we couldn’t share a bottle of wine with dinner, though. Hayden, on the other hand, is a big drinker. Our dates typically revolve around alcohol and he drinks a lot. I am always shocked by how much he can drink and still function and/or not be hungover the next morning. For example, he can drink half a bottle of vodka and be completely fine. Is that normal? He doesn’t drink when we’re apart other than a glass of red wine with dinner. He did tell me that he wants to take it easy on the drinking in the new year because he wants to be healthier. I agreed that it was a good idea. (I once again invited him to work out with me but he declined.)

Joaquin has a big sweet tooth and always had various candy treats on hand. This was bad news for me, as I also have a big sweet tooth. I have learned that I can’t keep it in the house. Hayden doesn’t have a sweet tooth and always declines on the rare occasions I offer him chocolate or dessert.

Joaquin shares my love of music. We talked about it a lot and I loved hearing his thoughts about specific songs and musicians. And he’s the one who reignited my passion in guitar after a 20 year hiatus. I really wish I could show him my guitar and play him the songs I’ve learned to play. Hayden, on the other hand, is not a music aficionado at all. He has listened to me play guitar but doesn’t recognize what I’m playing 95% of the time. I mention Smashing Pumpkins, Spoon, Alice in Chains, Portugal the Man… they mean nothing to him. Hayden is a movie guy.

Had Joaquin been ready for a relationship, would I still have chosen Hayden?

I know I shouldn’t torment myself like this. It’s over with Joaquin. There’s nothing more to discuss.

I’m hurt that Joaquin ultimately couldn’t handle being friends despite saying that he could, that he “wanted me in his life no matter what.” I guess he changed his mind.

I vacillate between being okay with his choice and being hurt and bewildered. Today I’m obviously feeling the latter. I am mourning the loss of our friendship and connection.

Some days I’m confident I’ll hear from him again and I just need to step back and let him be. Other days, like today, I’m not confident. I want answers. I want to send him a text demanding an answer to my question “Will I hear from you again or not?”

Because if he doesn’t plan to reach out, I want to know. I need closure.

It feels like a cruel joke that I’m hearing from all these guys from my past except for Joaquin. Yesterday I even heard from Harry/Cary. He sent me a text wishing me a happy new year. It makes Joaquin’s silence even more hurtful.