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I’ve had an emotionally rough holiday weekend. I’m coming to the realization that a relationship with Hayden might not work. I don’t like the thought.

He came over Friday night after work. We went out to dinner at my neighborhood microbrewery, then went back to my place to watch TV. He had brought over a bottle of chardonnay and a bottle of vodka.

I enjoyed a glass of chardonnay, he opted for a vodka cocktail, and then I fell asleep on the couch soon after. I was recovering from the flu and was prescribed an anti-viral (awesome, by the way – totally recommended!).

He insisted I go to bed while he stayed up and continued watching TV, drinking, and reading news on his phone. When I woke up the next morning, I found that he had drunk half the bottle of vodka.

He accompanied me to Lola’s retirement luncheon on Saturday. (Lola is my close friend and ex-boss, who I’ve mentioned here on the blog before.) Also at the luncheon were many past coworkers I hadn’t seen in years. It was a little overwhelming for me; I can only imagine how overwhelming it was for him. He did very well, however. He didn’t seem too uncomfortable and was great chatting with everyone.

At one point, one of my ex-coworkers (she retired a couple years ago) approached us, introduced herself, and asked Hayden how we had met. He replied, “I don’t remember.” WHAT?! I told him, “I hope you remember; it was only this past August.” I told her we’d met online. I don’t know if Hayden said that because he’s embarrassed, he wanted me to explain, or he doesn’t really remember. Could it really be the latter? I find that hard to believe.

Anyway, my coworker spoke directly to him when she said, “Lauren is the complete package. She is amazing. She does her job well and has it all together. I still vividly remember when Lauren started. I thought, ‘This is a woman who has it all: brains and beauty.’ I was really impressed and she was always such a pleasure to work with.” Aww. This particular coworker is one of my favorite people.

The luncheon went later than expected and Hayden had to get home to do some work. His boss was messaging him asking for help compiling data. Of course. On a holiday weekend. I wasn’t happy.

As he left my house, he said he would see me on Monday night. Monday night?! What happened to spending time together during the holiday weekend? Again, I was not happy. But work is work.

I didn’t hear from Hayden again until yesterday, when he sent a text in the late afternoon asking how my Sunday was going. I asked him if he’d been working since the night before. He replied, “Off & on, yes. Responding to questions when my boss asks.”

His reply made me feel shitty. Did he not want to spend time with me? He could have brought his laptop to my place and gathered the same data for her whenever necessary. And if he was only working off & on, he certainly had time to text.

I’m thinking all sorts of negative things now and don’t like it. A couple months ago, we’d talked about possibly going to New Orleans in late December or early January. Didn’t happen. In early December he talked about applying for a passport. Didn’t happen. Then in mid-December we’d discussed possibly going to New Orleans during the holiday weekend. This holiday weekend. Obviously that didn’t happen, either.

Is he all talk, no action? I don’t know what to think.

It’s not just about my disappointment this weekend. It happens most weekends. I know he needs a lot of downtime so I don’t push it… but it gets a little lonely when I have an entire kid-free weekend and spend it alone. What’s the point of having a boyfriend if I can’t spend weekends with him? And it’s not because he’s busy… he’s just at home puttering around as far as I know.

Colombian Hottie was texting me on Saturday evening and I was tempted to ask him to dinner just so I’d have some company. In the end, I didn’t want to have to explain my relationship status all over again and also awkwardly explain why I wasn’t with my boyfriend.

So now I’m going to have to verbalize my feelings tonight. I’m dreading it. You’d think I’d be good at this by now (after Tex and Joaquin) but I’m not. I still get a knot in the pit of my stomach.

I don’t know how to bring this up or what to even say. I can’t give an ultimatum because I don’t want him to agree to spending time with me if he really doesn’t want to. And then the clincher: My boyfriend should want to spend time with me. Is that so unreasonable?

I’m not happy with this current ‘time spent together’ arrangement. Now I just have to verbalize that effectively without being harsh or confrontational. But, unfortunately, I don’t see a way to fix this. We obviously have different needs and expectations.

I’ve been feeling really down about this and on the verge of tears.

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