Last night’s talk with Hayden didn’t go very well.
He arrived at 7. We had time to play a quick game of Clue with my daughter before The Bachelor started at 8. (My daughter and I always watch The Bachelor together – it’s our Monday night ritual.)
We watched The Bachelor until 10.
In that amount of time, Hayden drank half a bottle of vodka. I had one glass of chardonnay. Maybe I typically drink more and don’t notice… but this time I noticed that he was clearly inebriated. Bloodshot eyes and slightly slurred words. He’s very lovey dovey when he drinks, which I love, and last night was no different. Last night, however, I wasn’t feeling lovey dovey myself.
After I put my daughter to bed, Hayden said he was tired and wanted to go to bed soon. He asked if I was tired, too, and if I was okay with that. I told him sure… mainly because I was hoping we’d have some rigorous sex to help me fall asleep. It was still early for me, after all. I’m a night owl and don’t usually go to sleep until around midnight.
Knowing he wanted to go to sleep, however, I realized we’d have to talk sooner rather than later. Even though my son was still up and awake at 10:15. While Hayden and I were taking our glasses into the kitchen and getting some water, I told him I wanted to discuss some things with him. He asked me what I wanted to discuss.
I didn’t really want to have our discussion in the kitchen while my son was still awake but what the hell. Deep breath. I told him I was disappointed we couldn’t spend the past holiday weekend together.
He looked confused. I went on to explain that it wasn’t just this past holiday weekend; it’s most weekends.
His argument was that he had to work. I told him I understood that, but that I was hurt when he told me via text that he was working “off & on”. Not only was he not spending time with me, but he wasn’t texting me either. Work wasn’t that demanding of his time if it was only “off & on”, after all.
He got hung up on the work thing. He asked if I thought he wasn’t working. He asked if I thought he was spending time with other people. Of course I didn’t think either of those things. That wasn’t my point.
He kept asking, “You really think I don’t want to spend time with you?? I love spending time with you….”
I felt misunderstood. I was frustrated because he was missing the point and us talking like this – in the kitchen while my son was awake and after Hayden had drunk half a bottle of vodka – wasn’t a good idea. This was all going sour quickly.
I told him my concern was that I wasn’t satisfied with the amount of time we were spending together on the weekends, especially on my kid-free weekends. I told him I didn’t want to spend the majority of my kid-free weekends alone, without my boyfriend. I also reminded him that we were originally discussing going out of town together that past weekend.
Then I said, “You seem satisfied with the amount of time we spend together. I’m not. We need to discuss this and come to a compromise.”
But we didn’t. He just hugged me tight for about 5 minutes in silence. I asked him what he was thinking at one point and he couldn’t articulate at all.
I tucked my son into bed, then Hayden and I headed to my bedroom. I was feeling out of sorts and bewildered. He got into bed. I told him I was going to brush my teeth and wash my face and that I would be back in 8 minutes. He said, “Wake me up if I fall asleep while you’re in the bathroom.” Really?! I told him that never works; I haven’t been able to successfully rouse him after he’s fallen asleep.
Sure enough, when I returned to the bedroom a few minutes later, he was fast asleep. I tried rousing him and he started sleep-talking in jibberish.
It was 10:45. I laid in bed for 15 minutes but couldn’t fall asleep so I got up and watched the last few minutes of the series finale of Parenthood. I’d started it earlier that day and didn’t get to finish it.
I finally fell asleep at midnight but woke up at 4:15 am and couldn’t get back to sleep. He woke up at 6. We snuggled for a little while then had sex… but he didn’t climax. That’s unusual for him. He left for work at 7:15. No mention of our discussion from last night, but I guess I didn’t expect him to.
I don’t even know where to go from here. Jill thinks I need to assume that he doesn’t remember our talk and that I’ll have to start the discussion from scratch next time I see him. At first I was pissed by the thought but now I realize it may be a positive thing: I can refine my approach.
I’m having a hard time articulating my feelings on this. Is this a deal-breaker for me? I don’t know. Probably. What do I want to happen if he truly is satisfied by the amount of weekend time we spend together? I don’t know. And I don’t even know what a successful compromise would be.
I was hoping typing it all out would help me process. That hasn’t happened yet. Hoping I just need more time….