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Hayden broke up with me tonight.

I am still in a state of shock. I was blindsided. I don’t understand.

I was home sick today from work with cold symptoms and fever. It was strange to be sick again so soon since having the flu 1.5 weeks ago. It started with a bad headache. I thought I had simply slept wrong or that the overhead presses had tweaked my neck. Then the severe cold symptoms started yesterday while at work. At first I thought it was allergies. I took allergy medication but it didn’t help. I left work 1/2 hour early. By the time I’d picked up the kids from school, got home, and crawled into bed, I had a fever.

Today Hayden was more responsive than usual with the texting… checking in often during his work day and liberally calling me “baby” and “honey”. It was sweet and gave me warm fuzzies.

He asked me if I wanted him to pick up anything at Target for me on his way over. I asked him to pick up Mucinex cold medicine.

He was an hour later than usual getting to my place. He presented me with the Mucinex when I opened the door.

He didn’t take off his coat. I didn’t think much of it at the time. He sat next to me on the couch while I fiddled with the Mucinex wrapper and then successfully took a dose.

Something seemed off with him. He looked nervous, or like he wanted to say something. Finally, I asked him, “Is something wrong?”

He immediately said stuff I’m still trying to process. He said he’s not ready for a serious relationship. He said we’re at much different stages in life.

Time moved in slow motion. I was emotionless for the first 5 minutes or so, then cried quietly. I told him I didn’t understand. We’d recently had a conversation about spending more time together, after all. He said he did want to spend more time with me, but that he’s been doing a lot of thinking and has gone back and forth on it.

He said the differences in our lives had been noticeable to him for the past month or so, and it’s only recently become more obvious. He said I’ve been married, had kids, and have divorced. He hasn’t done any of that.

I told him our relationship started because I’d made sure he was okay with our differences, mainly my having kids and our age difference. He acknowledged that.

He said he feels really behind in his life and that he’s only recently gotten his life on track. He told me that he has come a long way in the past 5 years. I could tell that it was really difficult for him to tell me the following bombshell: 5 years ago, he was homeless. He told me he was homeless and living on the streets for 3 years, followed by 2 years in a homeless shelter.

Holy shit. How does that happen?

I asked him how he found himself homeless after graduating from a prestigious university with a mathematics degree. He didn’t explain. Either he didn’t want to focus on that, didn’t hear my question, or didn’t want to explain.

He said he finally feels as though things are going well for him but that he still feels behind. Especially compared to me. I told him it didn’t matter to me. He said it did to him.

I asked him if he wasn’t ready for a relationship at all or just didn’t want a relationship with me. He said it was a little of both. He said he recently realized he wasn’t ready for the serious relationship I wanted and expected.

I couldn’t wrap my head around it. I asked him if this was the full story, if there was anything else he wanted to tell me. He said no. I was confused. He acted as if there was more he wanted to say but couldn’t.

Throughout the conversation he said sweet things like, “You have been so wonderful to me” and “You are the most amazing woman I know” and “When I told you I loved you, I meant it.” Why was this happening then?!

I cried. We hugged each other tight. He kissed me repeatedly.

He said, “I want you to know that you can always text or call me if you need anything.” I told him he can text or call me, too.

He eventually said, “I need to go now. Will you walk me to the door?”

I asked him if I was going to see him again. I told him the kids are going to want to see him again. He said, “Yes, I’d like to see you again if you still want to.” What kind of a response is that?

Before we walked to the front door he said, “I am always going to love you.”

Then why are you breaking up with me??!

At the front door, he seemed hesitant. He told me he’d text me tomorrow. Then he reluctantly turned to go and said “goodbye”. He’d never before said goodbye.

I shut the door and sobbed.

Another relationship ended. The second in 2 months. First Joaquin, now Hayden. Both breakups are eerily similar. They both had come to my place and were gone within 45 minutes. Hayden had blindsided me the same way I’d probably blindsided Joaquin.

Maybe this is my karma.