I’m back at work today. The virus I had was fortunately short-lived. No fever since yesterday morning and the body aches are mostly gone. Yay!

Not surprisingly, I didn’t sleep well last night despite taking chamomile capsules to help calm me down. I’m guessing I got maybe 3 solid hours.

Since my schedule has now magically opened up, I called my hair salon and scheduled a cut and color for Saturday afternoon. I’ve overdue and was trying to figure out when I could schedule something without eating into my weekend time with Hayden. Now that it was a non-issue I immediately called and they miraculously had an appointment available. Lucky me, I think I may have scooped up a cancellation.

I’m thinking of changing up my look and going much shorter. I’m going to get my stylist’s feedback on cutting my hair to just below shoulder-length. I have a photo I pulled from a magazine to show him. I trust his judgement.

When I was at the grocery store on Monday, I had picked up some filet mignon to make a fancy dinner for me and Hayden. I was planning to cook them last night (and Hayden knew this) but of course I was sick. I wonder if he still would have broken up with me last night had I made a fancy dinner. Can you imagine? Breaking up with me during or immediately after a romantic candlelight dinner would have been quite a scene to behold.

I told Jill that if she weren’t going out of town this weekend, I would be inviting her over for a fancy homemade filet mignon dinner. Haha. Instead, I think I’ll invite Mars and the kids over. The kids will probably get a kick out of eating filet mignon… or at least my son will.

I had lunch with Jill today. She had some interesting insight on Hayden. A few of you expressed concern in the comments that Hayden might be an alcoholic. That explanation makes perfect sense to me.

Jill agrees that alcoholism makes sense and explains his strange behavior. She had another thought, though: She thinks he may have broken up with me because of his ego. He had mentioned that I’m much further ahead than he is (understandable given our age difference)… I’ve been married, have kids, am divorced, live in a great house, have an awesome career, etc. I had shown him my ex boss’s job announcement on Monday night. He probably saw the salary. Coupled with his age and/or immaturity, maybe it freaked him out?

In any event and whatever the reason, he has pulled out. I am so sad and disappointed.

As promised, Hayden texted me today. He asked how I was feeling and if I was back at work. That’s it.

I responded with a long text. Yes, I’m back at work. Feeling better physically, but messed up emotionally. I told him again I’m confused and feel blindsided. I asked him if there was anything we could work on together, if our relationship was salvageable. I told him that I want to remain friends regardless. I told him he’s one of the most amazing people I know… caring, funny, kind, sweet, generous.

He responded back thanking me for the kind words. He said he feels crappy physically and emotionally. He says there’s nothing to work on but he’d love to be friends.

It wasn’t the response I was hoping to hear although of course I’m happy he wants to be friends.

I’m trying to be mindful of practicing self-care. I’m trying to fill my schedule so that I don’t get overwhelmed about missing Hayden. This weekend: Cut & color and hopefully dinner with Mars and the kids. Next week: Happy hour drinks with Jill. Tonight: Late dinner with Colombian Hottie.

I think I’m still in a state of shock. I know the worst is yet to come.