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I slept well last night. I took a blazing hot bath then was in bed by 11:30.

I canceled last night’s dinner with Colombian Hottie. It’s a long story. When we’d made these plans 1.5 weeks ago, we had agreed to an 8:30 pm dinner. (He works late every night in the south bay and can’t return to San Francisco until 8:30 at the earliest.) Yesterday he had a bad day at work and was feeling depressed. He wanted to cancel but I told him we could play it by ear depending on how he felt later in the evening.

As the evening progressed, he said he was still up for meeting but possibly only for a drink. Ok, whatever – that’s fine. But then he texted me at 8:30 and said he still hadn’t left work. I told him that it was getting late and, since I’m still recovering from being sick, I couldn’t do a late night. I told him we should reschedule. He balked. WTF. Then he suggested just “stopping by to say hi”. Hell no. He may have had pure intentions being that he thinks I still have a boyfriend, but I thought it was inappropriate.

I didn’t want to put myself in a precarious position. I’m not ready for that.

I suggested several other evenings to meet and he’s not available on any of them. Hmm.

I was a little relieved to cancel and stay home. I wasn’t feeling very jovial or talkative. Instead, I did a quick workout and lounged around.

This morning he told me he didn’t leave work until 9, meaning that he didn’t return to San Francisco until 10. I’m glad I ended up canceling because that obviously wouldn’t have worked for me.

I asked him if any time this weekend works for him. Waiting to hear back.

I didn’t know how to respond to Hayden’s text saying he wanted to be friends. I thought about it for several hours then decided to suggest a couple dates for him to see the kids. I suggested watching The Bachelor with us on Monday night, as we usually do, or next Friday night. I ended it with, “Or should I just leave the ball in your court?” He responded that he’d love to come over on Monday.

We had a brief back-and-forth exchange. I told him the kids will be excited to see him; he said he’s excited to see them.

I must say I think I’m doing a pretty good job preventing the obsessive thoughts this time around (as opposed to my “breakup” with Joaquin). As soon as I start musing about why Hayden really broke up with me and start dissecting our conversation and trying to read between the lines, I stop myself and give myself a pep talk. I have no idea what he’s thinking and can’t pretend to know.

Yes, he may have a fragile ego, low self-esteem, mental illness, or be addicted to alcohol… but I don’t want to presume any of those things. I just don’t know and it’s not helpful for me to surmise. I do loving hearing your theories, though, so keep them coming.

I’m going to splurge on a pedicure tonight after work. I haven’t had a pedicure since I moved out post-separation and my finances imploded. I have been giving myself pedicures ever since. But you know what? There’s a little wiggle room in my budget this month and, dammit, I want someone else to rub my feet and make them look pretty.

I’d love to curl up on the couch afterward with some wine and ice cream but will refrain. Numbing myself sounds really appealing, but I know I’ll feel shitty tomorrow. I don’t want to feel physically shitty when I already feel emotionally shitty.

For the past month or so I’ve been thinking about starting sprint relay training on the neighborhood track so maybe I’ll do that tomorrow morning.

 

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