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My grief is starting to give way to anger.

I vacillate between feelings of rage and wanting to be a good friend to Hayden, to understand his side of the story without judgement. Intuitively, something feels off with his explanation.

Mars and the kids came over for dinner last night. I made the filet mignon, Argentinian red shrimp, and broccolini that was originally meant for me and Hayden. Mars asked me how my weekend was. When I told him I’d gone running at Stow Lake, he asked, “Oh? Is your boy a runner?”

That’s when I broke the breakup news to him… the full story as far as I know it. He was stunned. He told me that he saw Hayden as the puppy dog type. Like everyone else, he couldn’t understand how a smart, educated, articulate, friendly guy could find himself living on the streets as a 20-something. He agreed with me that something seemed fishy.

Even in hindsight, it doesn’t make sense. Nothing makes sense regarding Hayden.

I also have a confession: I activated my OK Cupid profile on Friday night. It was partly to turn it on and have it working for me in the background; partly because I told Jill I’d send her a link to my profile once I’d reactivated it again. (She wants to create her first OK Cupid profile.)

Here’s a tidbit that may or may not shock you: I’ve noticed that Hayden has been online on OK Cupid frequently. At least half the times I’ve checked. Every time I see the green button indicating he’s online I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut. At first, I thought, ‘There’s no fucking way he’s active on OK Cupid. That must be a mistake’ which then prompted me to do lots of Google searches on the accuracy of OK Cupid’s online indicator. The results are inconclusive.

3 days after reactivating my profile and I’m driving myself crazy checking his online status. He was supposedly online this morning at 9 am when he’s normally working. He is always slammed at work so him being online didn’t make sense. Still, I wonder.

I am questioning our entire relationship. Was I simply a booty call? Did he ever love me? Is he a sadistic asshole? Did he meet someone else?

When I saw him on Monday night, everything was great as usual. We watched The Bachelor with my daughter as we typically do on Monday nights. There was no indication that he’d break up with me just 2 days later. What changed between Monday and Wednesday?

The lovey dovey texts he sent on Wednesday before coming over to my house and breaking up with me are even more baffling. WTF was that about?!

I hadn’t heard from Hayden since Thursday. Silence. I expected him to back out of our plans tonight… and I was starting to think it may be a good idea to postpone so that I can further sort out my feelings, especially now that I’m feeling angry.

He texted this morning, though, saying he’s looking forward to coming over tonight. He also said, “I hope you had a good weekend.” Is he fucking serious?! How the fuck did you think my weekend was, you psycho??! It was going to be our first full weekend together and we had plans to go to the MOMA and Chinatown, fucker!

Unreal. I ignored that comment and instead asked what time we should expect him. Still waiting for his response.

We probably won’t have the time or privacy to discuss anything tonight but, in the off chance we do, I’m going to tell him that he needs to be honest with me if we’re going to remain friends. I feel like I need honest answers to move past this effectively.

Back to OK Cupid. I already have 2 dates scheduled over the next 2 weeks. I am definitely not ready to jump into anything romantic (it’s actually the last thing on my mind), but I am feeling up to getting out of the house, meeting new people, and having fun.

I’m not sure what to think of either dude. Dude on Wednesday is a 31 year old software architect who’s also a fellow guitarist. Dude next week is a 50 year old single dad of 3 teenage boys. Quite a difference!

I had to block someone. It’s a pet peeve of mine that since I love sex, OK Cupid broadcasts to others in my profile that I’m sex-driven. I don’t think that’s fair or accurate. I’m actually love-driven and have clearly answered as such in my profile questions.

Anyway, so this rude guy messaged me and said, “Hmm. Sex-driven!” I didn’t respond. Then he messaged again, “Here kitty, kitty, come get some cunnilingus.” So rude and juvenile, especially coming from a 47 year old. Asshole! So offensive. I immediately blocked him.

Another guy messaged me “Oh, you’re insatiable.” Immediate delete. Loving sex does not mean I’m looking for sex only… and it certainly doesn’t justify sending rude messages implying that I am.

Now that the dust of reigniting my profile has settled, I think the riff-raff has dissipated. Fingers crossed.

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