I’m feeling more at peace this weekend. What a welcome relief.
I read several articles last night on how to recover from heartbreak and found some good tips. One included writing our love story, then writing another story in the third person about how the love story ends. I’ll be doing both soon and will, of course, post here.
It’s helping me to focus on the things that weren’t perfect. There weren’t many things… but I was slightly concerned about a few things. I’ve discussed them all here in past blog posts.
It occurred to me this weekend that for the last month or so of our relationship, he wasn’t as snuggly in bed. He used to keep me in a tight big spoon bear-hug lock for most of the night. That wasn’t happening as often toward the end but I figured it was just because we were relaxing into a maturing relationship. It’s helping me to realize that this may have been my one and only sign that something was changing for him.
I’ve been listening to these 4 songs on loop:
- If The World – Guns N’ Roses
- Catch & Release – Silversun Pickups
- Try So Hard – Tesla
- Ball And Biscuit – The White Stripes
They are speaking to my soul, calming me, and bringing me peace as I close this love chapter.
I realized yesterday that not responding to Hayden’s cryptic text would be passive-aggressive and would make things awkward, especially after I’d extended an olive branch.
I crafted a text and sent it to Jill for feedback. It included me telling him I miss him. Jill interrogated me about that. She said, “Think about why you want to tell him that and what you expect in return. And if he says the same in response, will that help you or hurt you? Even better, think about what you want from him. What do you need from him to get past this and move on?”
Holy hell. Great points.
I knew without a doubt that the only thing I really needed from him is answers. She told me to tell him that but to be okay with him not agreeing to provide them. I told her, “If he doesn’t agree to give me some answers, it will add fuel to the fire… making it easier to move on.”
I knew that’s what I had to do. I had to be honest with him while also looking out for myself.
This is what I sent him:
Honestly, I wasn’t sure if or how I should respond to your last text. I’m surprised you weren’t sure how to respond to a gesture of friendship and support. I’m glad you’re doing okay. I’m struggling and still need some answers to get closure and move on. Can we talk soon?
What I meant by my last message was that it made me emotional and speechless – I was pleased to read the message. And, yes, we can talk. How about tomorrow afternoon I give you call?
I told him I was sorry I misunderstood and that the timing may or may not work for a phone call depending on what I have going on with the kids. I asked if we could play it by ear; he agreed.
Hopefully we’ll be able to chat tonight.
I still have rough moments and have cried a few times this weekend, sure, but overall things are getting better. My heart is finally starting to catch up to my head.
I even re-activated Bumble this morning and have already had a nice chat with a promising fellow there. We have a date scheduled for Wednesday.
Seth finally saw that I’m back on OK Cupid and asked if we could finally have our first date. I agreed. No date set yet, though.