My February sucked. I can’t recall a month going so badly in a long time. Are we in Mercury retrograde?! (I just checked – no, we are not.) I can’t seem to catch a break and keep getting kicked while I’m down, both professionally and personally.
My life has been a comedy of errors.
Last night, on the last day of the month, February just couldn’t leave well enough alone. I was sucker-punched. From behind. What an asshole!
After I dropped the kids off at Mars’ last night, I walked down the street to treat myself to some frozen yogurt. I was thinking about Joaquin because we used to go to this particular place (he has a sweet tooth like me).
On my walk back to Mars’ house/my car, Joaquin ran past me heading in the opposite direction. Obviously in a hurry. Holy shit. I turned around to call out his name but couldn’t see him. My heart was racing. He doesn’t even live in fucking San Francisco! What was he doing in my neighborhood??! Especially without a text letting me know he was nearby.
Being in San Francisco and especially in my neighborhood should have triggered some memories of me.
I started doubting it was him so then I searched for his car. Found it! In the secret neighborhood spot I’d told him about before. Nice.
I walked straight to the neighborhood store, broke my rule about keeping booze at home and picked up a 6-pack of PBR, then went home to guzzle a 16 oz can and cry.
I now doubt that Joaquin has been honest with me. Maybe he doesn’t ever plan to reach out and reconnect despite telling me he wanted to. I re-read his text last night and it seemed genuine. Was he only telling me what I wanted to hear?
I know for a fact he finished the bar last week. I looked online about three weeks ago for the exam dates so that I could send him some positive thoughts on the exam days. The exam ended last Thursday.
I am a hopeless romantic. I love deeply. I care too much. I see the good in people. I expect the best.
Last night, I even briefly considered taking a break from dating for a while. Briefly. The thought was too depressing to seriously consider. I left my marriage because I wanted passion, romance, and sex – all things Mars was unable to provide. In other words, I may as well still be married if I’m not going to pursue my dream.
So I will continue on, maybe with less enthusiasm, with the starry-eyed hope that I will eventually find what I want: passion, romance, hot sex, and – most of all – love.
So…hello, March! I am so happy to see you.