, , , ,

… and then disappears again.

As I was swiping on Tinder last night, I came across Joaquin’s profile. I swiped right, wondering if he’d do the same. He eventually did not long after, and we matched.

Of course, I wasn’t going to message first. If he messaged first, I wasn’t even sure how I would feel about it knowing he was contacting me only because he knew I was single.

When I woke up this morning, I saw that he’d unmatched me.

I’m not upset. I’m not sad. I’m not mad.

What I am feeling is irritation and bewilderment.

It made me wonder: When is giving someone the benefit of the doubt being too tolerant? I gave him the benefit of the doubt all this time: he needed time to process, his anxiety couldn’t handle it, he was studying for the bar, etc. I figured there must have been a good reason for him to not contact me after all this time. But maybe I was just being foolish. Maybe I was being too tolerant.

The joke’s on me. It’s possible the writing was on the wall and I simply chose not to see it.

I now believe without a doubt he was only telling me what I wanted to hear. I wish he’d been honest from the beginning so I could have moved on. Four months later and I’m kicking myself for holding onto hope that we could have a real friendship.

I’m foolish for holding onto a fairytale when in reality, he was a pain in the ass. He was frequently late. He was always “too hot” so he insisted the windows be wide open despite my insistence it was too cold. He used benzoyl peroxide solution on his face and ruined a set of my sheets and a couple towels. He was picky about where we’d eat dinner. He took forever to climax… and could only cum while pleasuring himself under perfect conditions. He freaked out when I had a pregnancy scare and informed me I’d have to get an abortion – it didn’t matter what I wanted. He’d take a non-direct route to wherever we were going, adding unnecessary time. Drama followed him.

Despite all this, we had indescribable chemistry.

Enough is enough. It’s over now. If he ever contacts me in the future, as unlikely as it is, I’m not sure how I’ll react. Hopefully, by then, the dust will have settled and I’ll simply be glad to hear from him.