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Hayden came over last night to play Clue with my daughter. However, she was taking longer than anticipated to finish a book report so they didn’t get to play Clue, after all. Instead, Hayden and I sipped chardonnay he’d brought over, talked, hugged, and kissed. He was uncharacteristically frisky… putting his hands down my pants and touching my breasts.

We retreated to the bedroom at one point only to be disturbed by my daughter knocking on the door. Repeatedly. This wasn’t going to work, after all.

I told Hayden we’d have to resume once she was in bed.

I unlocked the computer for my daughter and got her started on her report once again. Hayden emerged from my bedroom completely dressed and announced that he was going to go home, he was suddenly really tired. That was a surprise.

As he was putting something in his bag, I noticed a pack of cigarettes inside. What?! I told him, “I didn’t know you smoked.” I’d never smelled or tasted it on him. He said he hides the smell and taste on purpose. He said he doesn’t normally smoke but that he goes through short stints of 2-3 months where he smokes to help calm him down and ease his anxiety. He said he’s been smoking for the past 2 months. Hmm, probably right around the time we broke up….

I asked how much and how often. He said 3 cigarettes at night to help him fall asleep.

I thanked him for coming over, that it was great seeing him, and that I was sorry he didn’t get to play Clue. He remarked with a smile, “Oh,Β  yeah, it had nothing to do with wanting to see you….”

Then he got emotional and said, “I’m not good at talking about my emotions.” I questioned him about this statement but he wouldn’t really explain, and went on to say things like, “I really like spending time with you and your kids” and “I adore you”.

My heart melted. Of course the feeling is mutual.

I told him he could lie down and take a nap in my bedroom or watch a show but that I needed to be with my kids, feed them dinner, oversee baths & teeth brushing, etc. until they were in bed. He agreed to join me on the couch. We couldn’t decide on a show to watch so we mostly talked.

Eventually, the kids were in bed and Hayden and I could finally retreat to the bedroom for some serious passion. Hayden was more eager to please than ever. We had intercourse for the next 2 hours in every position multiple times. He was very vocal, saying “you feel so fucking good” and “I love being inside you.”

At one point, when I told him that I love his cock, he responded, “It loves you.” I wasn’t sure what he said (you can imagine) so I asked him to repeat. I knew I couldn’t be so presumptuous. Yep, his cock loves me… not Hayden. I’m so glad I didn’t tell him I loved him back! I mean, I do love him and I’m not afraid to tell him, but it would be grossly inappropriate to tell him so during sex.

He also gave me oral sex twice in one night (a record for him!) and made me cum several times by stimulating my G spot with his finger. I gave him several blow jobs. And he even fucked my breasts.

I loved that Hayden was insatiable last night. He climaxed 3 times.

We laid snuggled into each other afterward, kissing each other tenderly.

He left around 12:30. He was originally planning to stay the night, with my permission, but since he had today off, he decided he wanted to sleep in without having to worry about leaving my place early when we left for school and work. Fair enough. He told me he’d see me soon, whatever that means. I didn’t tell him I was leaving for Mexico on Saturday.

I woke up early from feeling like I’d been run over by a truck. I immediately knew it’s because I’m developing bruises all over my upper arms and shoulders from where Hayden leaned on me/pinned me down last night. I’m in a lot of pain. Plus, I’m worried I’ll look like I’m a victim of physical abuse when I leave for Mexico. I’ll obviously be wearing bikinis and tank tops while there. What will I tell my kids??

My vagina is extremely sore as well but that’s to be expected.

I have immense feelings for Hayden. I love him. He’s adorable, sweet, charming, and considerate. But he sucked at being my boyfriend. I need someone who is more transparent, someone who is eager to share his life with me. I need more stability, someone who won’t unexpectedly break up with me out of the blue.

If we were to ever get back together, I don’t think I’d feel secure.

I love that we can have a sweet and emotionally charged sexual relationship without expectations. The pressure is off. It’s the best of both worlds.

This phenomenon explains why my relationship with Mars improved dramatically after we separated. I was no longer relying on him to fulfill all my needs. The pressure was off.

Of course, I would love to find someone who can fulfill my most important needs. It shouldn’t theoretically be that difficult, as I’m not high-maintenance nor hard to please. The search continues….

On that note, I have a date lined up for every kid-free night this week. I’m excited to meet these guys. Tinder has been fruitful.

I’ve decided that I’m going to have to tell Matt 2 that I’m just not feeling it with him. He returns from a family reunion tomorrow. I know he’ll reach out when he gets back. I dread breaking the news but I’m simply going to tell him that I’ve been thinking about him and have realized that, while I’ve enjoyed both dates, I am not feeling a spark or love connection.