The quiet continues. I’ve deleted all dating apps except OK Cupid and Tinder and even they are unusually quiet.
Yesterday I put my name into the database for a local matchmaking service. Might as well have a few balls in the air working in my favor. It’s free to enter your name into their database. If you join and pay a fee, you can have your very own Bachelorette-style mixer. That’s obviously enticing but I don’t have extra cash to burn.
I’m expecting a call from their matchmaker to set up an in-person meeting.
Finding a boyfriend is like finding a needle in a haystack. Here I am… tearing up the haystack.
I’m annoyed because the Drunk Saturday Night Canceler hasn’t followed up about the Giants game we’re supposed to attend tomorrow night. The game was supposedly his way to make up for canceling at the last minute on Saturday night. And here he is flaking. Figures! I should have known better.
I went so far as to send him a text this morning asking him if he was still free tomorrow night. Silence. I’m pissed. Dude has a lot to learn about basic communication and being a decent human being.
Hayden asked yesterday if he could come over tomorrow night. I told him I may be seeing a Giants game but that I’d let him know today for sure. Looks like I’ll be seeing Hayden, after all.
No date tonight. There are simply no good prospects at the moment – it’s a bit depressing.
I was feeling sad and introspective last night about my love life in general. I deliberately wanted to wallow in self-pity. So I thought: I am a romantic reject. Mars – my own husband – rejected me. Hayden rejected me. Almost everyone in my past who has loved me has eventually changed their mind. Am I so unlovable?
Sometimes I think I am. Maybe I got what I deserve. I push people away. I don’t know how to be close to someone. I love romance and sex and passion… but I don’t know how to bare my soul. I’m not trying to hide anything. I just don’t know how.
Maybe I’m not asking the right questions. Maybe I’m not offering the right information. I don’t know how to foster intimacy.