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I have a dinner & drinks date tonight! And a lunch date tomorrow! Both are Tinder guys. Dating is on track once again.

Neither has disappointed me yet, which is a great sign. After we made plans to meet near my office after work, tonight’s dude sweetly said, “I’m really excited and am looking forward to meeting you and having a nice evening together.” Aww!

Tomorrow lunch dude is a pilot but lives locally and will be flying out tomorrow after our date. I’m not into pilots at all but he seems normal and nice. I’ll take a chance on a 1st date.

I asked Colombian Hottie if he was free tomorrow night for belated birthday drinks, but unfortunately he’s not. Instead, I’ll have a nice quiet evening to myself. Saturday night is Hayden.

Hayden came over last night. We went grocery shopping to buy dinner fixings (pork chops, salad, and hefeweizen) then made dinner back at my place. He was sweet, as usual.

We watched TV, as usual. Walking Dead and Sherlock. After awesome sex, he left my place around 11:30. Before leaving, he said, “I don’t want to leave but I’m too tired the next day at work when I stay overnight on weeknights. Can I come back on Saturday and stay overnight?” I didn’t have any plans; I told him of course he could. Honestly, I was surprised he was asking to stay overnight on his own volition.

He seemed more doting than usual but, of course, it wouldn’t mean anything anyway. I can never make assumptions with him. I know from experience that he can act one way toward me but feel another.

Today I happened to notice that he had re-activated his OK Cupid account. That stung. But it is exactly why I can never gauge his intentions on his actions and the touching moments we share.

I always need to remember the facts: 1) He is “bothered by our age and life stage differences” (his words, not mine). Those are significant issues – he likely won’t be able to get past them, and 2) If he were somehow able to get past them, I probably wouldn’t be able to trust him again. He’s not an open book.

I’ve been feeling a little down the past few days. I adore Hayden and think we are great together but a relationship obviously won’t work. I know he cares a lot for me, but he doesn’t love all of me. I am not what he ultimately wants. That hurts.

Logically, I know there’s nothing that can be done. We have fundamental differences. We’re happy together but can’t be together. It seems like a cruel joke.

When I do find someone who will love all of me, it will obviously change my relationship with Hayden. I’m going to miss what we currently have.

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