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I have lost my enthusiasm for dating. This bewilders me.

Last night I opened Tinder for the first time in several days and swiped for a bit. It was actually a bit depressing. I always swipe left on approximately 95% of the profiles I see… but last night I wasn’t even that excited about the ones I swiped right on.

One sent me a message, and I had a foreign reaction: A combination of exasperation and dread.

I still haven’t responded and am not sure I will.

Maybe this is my cue that my heart just isn’t into dating right now. I don’t think I’m going to do anything crazy like take a formal break and delete everything, but this informal break of keeping the Tinder and OK Cupid apps on my phone but being inactive feels appropriate right now.

That said, I may have a first date with a 20 year old this weekend. *gasp* He is beautiful and looks like a model. I’d like to believe he’s not really 20; he certainly looks older.

We’re planning to meet for coffee.

He asked what I was looking for. I replied, “Ideally, a relationship. I hope that was clear in my profile?” When he didn’t reply for a week, I suspected he wasn’t looking for the same and simply gave up. Most young dudes are looking for hook-ups, especially with older women. But I did eventually receive a message from him saying he was looking for the same. I was shocked.

This isn’t to say that I’d get myself into a relationship with a 20 year old, but why start off on the wrong foot with someone who clearly isn’t looking for genuine connection?

Still, I’m not excited about it. I suspect he’s either catfishing or will be a no-show… and I’m wondering if I should even waste my time to find out.

My curiosity will probably get the best of me, though.

I received a text out-of-the-blue a few days ago from the environmental attorney I had a date with in mid April. He apologized for the late text and said he’d entered my phone number into his phone incorrectly.

I have yet to respond and, honestly, I am not sure what I should say when I do. We had a lovely date but I wasn’t attracted to him.

I’ll be seeing Hayden tonight. I plan to lay down some ground rules with him. I also plan to ask him if he feels better physically or emotionally when he drinks. His answer may provide some insight on what the root cause of his drinking might be.

There was a brief time in my mid 20s when I was fantasizing about drinking every day once I got off work. The fantasies were vivid and strong. They scared me. It definitely wasn’t normal for me so I made an appointment with my doctor, who referred me to a psychologist, who referred me to a psychiatrist. Turns out I was clinically depressed and had a temporary chemical imbalance. 8 months on an antidepressant did the trick.

I hope Hayden pursues help. It could be an easy fix.

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