, , , ,

I saw Hayden last night. He came over around 6:45. We embraced in the doorway and he said, “I’ve missed you.”

We had sweet & passionate sex for an hour, then went out for Japanese food. During dinner I asked a lot of questions and received a lot of answers.

  • He has received treatment before for his drinking.
  • He has given up drinking entirely at certain points in his past.
  • He doesn’t drink every day.
  • He drinks because it makes him feel better physically. However, overall he feels a lot better when he doesn’t drink.
  • His health insurance kicks in on July 1st and he will be making an appointment for a check-up soon after.

I told him I was glad my kids weren’t around on Monday night when he came over intoxicated. He said he was, too. I wanted to make sure he understood the gravity of the situation so I said, “They would have had a lot of questions.” He understood. He said, “I don’t want to put you in an awkward situation and I don’t want them to see me like that.”

We went back to my place and started Six Feet Under from the very beginning. It’s one of my favorite series ever and he’s never seen it. It had been 16 years since I’d seen that first episode – it was fun to watch again.

Hayden left at 11:30. Before he left, he asked if he could see me again tonight. What what?! So soon? I was thrilled he was offering to see me 2 nights in a row and of course said yes. I don’t have a date scheduled anyway.

Irish Spaniard sweetly texted me yesterday to ask if I was feeling any better. I responded this morning. I’m not sure what to do regarding him and I know he’s going to ask to reschedule our date soon. If he didn’t live 35 miles away and had a schedule more similarly matched to mine, I may not be questioning myself on this.

However, I do feel like I’m in an emotional limbo. I love Hayden but I’m not sure I’m ready for an exclusive relationship with him again right now considering 1) I turned into an anxious psycho when we were in a relationship, 2) I’m not sure he can make the changes I require (more weekend time, short out-of-town trips, etc.) to feel secure in a relationship with him, and 3) He’s not asking for exclusivity.

I feel like I need to ride things out a little more. I would also prefer he take the initiative to ask about our status. I feel like I’ve already done it all before; I was always the only one asking him what was going on with us. I want to know he’s serious.

Maybe it’s better for both of us to not have a defined relationship at the moment.

I do like knowing I have the option to date even though I might not actually do it. It keeps my anxiety in check.

And with that, I think I may tell Irish Spaniard that I need some time to sort out some life stuff before dating again. I don’t think it’s fair to him to schedule another date when I’m not a “fuck yes” right now. Once things are a little more settled, I may have a renewed sense of excitement about seeing him again. Time will tell.