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Today is my caloric spike day, which means I can eat whatever my heart desires. I’ve been looking forward to it all week.

However, I just wasn’t feeling it this morning. WHAT?!

I find it fascinating that now I can have whatever I want, I don’t want it. I’ve been force-feeding myself naughty stuff today. This morning, my daughter and I went out to breakfast with Hayden.

I ordered eggs benedict with a side of green salad plus a side of bacon. (This is what I’d typically order pre-diet.) My daughter ordered the buttermilk pancakes with a side of fruit. I was really looking forward to eating some of her pancakes – this particular place makes the best pancakes I’ve ever eaten. I’ve even tried re-creating them at home and haven’t succeeded.

I polished off my eggs benedict and one slice of bacon but couldn’t eat more than 4 bites of her pancakes. What the hell?!

The kids didn’t want to go out for lunch so I made peanut butter & jelly sandwiches with a side of red grapes, a meal that would normally be taboo for me. I ate it but didn’t enjoy it.

Then, the kicker: I’d been wanting to try this new soft-serve ice cream place that just opened in my neighborhood. It was on my food bucket list all week. Today was the day! My daughter and I visited this afternoon. I got the delicious original flavor with a dark chocolate shell topping. It was heavenly… but I was done after a few bites. I forced myself to finish it and now I feel sick. Ugh.

The other food on my bucket list is a chocolate croissant. I don’t think I’ll be able to muster eating that today, though.

I can’t even think about dinner at this point. And I need to continue calorie-loading. Ugh!

I find it fascinating that once something taboo is allowed, it becomes unappealing to me… at least when it comes to food.

Hayden’s visit last night was divine. We went to bed early so we could allow plenty of time for sex. We passed out after a couple long sex sessions, then both happened to find ourselves awake again at 1 am. I gave him a long, leisurely hand job that ended with him climaxing. I can’t keep my hands off him.

When I woke up this morning, I found that I had wrapped myself around him in my sleep. He was so snuggly. He said he was surprised that we were both able to sleep so close together; we usually get too hot. We had sex again before getting up, making coffee, then heading out for breakfast. We parted ways after a late breakfast.

We plan to see each other again tomorrow night.

I am completely inactive on Tinder but have been having 3 casual conversations on OK Cupid. No one has overtly asked me out yet (although a couple have beaten around the bush by asking me what my weekend plans were).

It got me thinking: Is it fair to go out with someone when I’m not emotionally available right now? I think it’s probably not.

I’m in a pickle. I’ve realized that I don’t want to date anyone else right now… but I am still terrified that history will repeat itself and Hayden will change his mind again. I also believe that disabling my dating profiles may automatically translate to a committed relationship that I’m not ready for and Hayden probably isn’t ready for, either.

I can almost see the writing on the wall: I disable my profiles and become clingy toward Hayden because my options have vanished and I get overly invested.

I’m stuck in limbo. I don’t see any reasonable solution except maybe giving myself more time. So, for now, I continue as I have been… on Tinder and OK Cupid but relatively inactive.