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Am I the one you think about
When you’re sitting in your faintin’ chair drinking pink rabbits?

I was solid gold
I was in the fight
I was coming back
From what seemed like a ruin
I couldn’t see you coming so far
I just turn around and there you are

I’m so surprised you want to dance with me now
I was just getting used to living life without you around
I’m so surprised you want to dance with me now
You always said I held you way too high off the ground

You didn’t see me I was falling apart
I was a white girl in a crowd of white girls in the park
You didn’t see me I was falling apart
I was a television version of a person with a broken heart

You said it would be painless
A needle in the dark
You said it would be painless
It wasn’t that at all

From Pink Rabbits by The National. It’s a gorgeous song – have a listen. Also, FYI, a pink rabbit is a cocktail made with rooibos tea, gin, and vermouth (thanks Google!).

And I could have written it about Hayden.

Hayden came over again last night for the second night in a row. He arrived earlier than usual at just 6:15.

We watched the NBA play-offs. The Warriors won! The parade and rally are planned for Thursday… and my office is on the parade route. It’s going to be a zoo!

At 9:15, Hayden told me he’d have to leave within 15 minutes. What?! I was so disappointed. We wouldn’t get any private time, nor get to enjoy any sex.

I put my daughter to bed, then Hayden said his Uber was arriving in just 3 minutes. I asked him why he had to leave so early; he said he was tired and wanted to go to bed early.

I cheerily said goodbye to him, got ready for bed, tucked my son into bed, then bawled my eyes out. My mind was racing. Why did Hayden want to leave so early? Is he coming over so often because he’s seeing someone else and she lives nearby? Does he not love me anymore?


I have issues.

Hayden doesn’t tell me he loves me often. I realized last night that I question his feelings for me when he doesn’t say it…. and that’s pretty ridiculous.

I think this belief comes from my history with Mars. Mars rarely told me he loved me and I’m not overreacting when I say that. I am pretty sure he told me he loved me just 3 or 4 times during our 16 year relationship.

If someone doesn’t say it, does it mean they don’t feel it? I suppose that’s debatable.

Tex was awesome at expressing his feelings for me, and he expressed them often. I think that’s one of the reasons I felt so nurtured in that relationship.

I was feeling down last night and cried myself to sleep. The last thought I remembered having before finally dozing off is that I definitely have to diversify my prospects and start dating others again because this was crazy. My Anxious attachment style was rearing its ugly head again. I hate when Anxious Girl comes out.

Things weren’t so dire in the light of day this morning, though. I realized I was being dramatic. Okay, so Hayden left early last night because he was tired. No biggie. Why did I read so much into it? Why did I overthink it?

I didn’t think much of it at all after that. Hayden texted around noon asking how my day was going. Aww. I loved that he was thinking of me.

Since we didn’t get any alone time last night, I invited him to meet my best friend this weekend via text. I wanted it to be super low-pressure and thought perhaps text was brilliant and it worked out even better this way, anyway, because it would give him some time to think about it on his own and he could take as much time as he needed to decide.

I texted: My best friend and her husband will be in town on Saturday. I’m meeting them for the Yerba Buena artwalk in the afternoon, then an early dinner at a French restaurant. Would you like to join us for one or both?

He immediately responded with: Sure no problem just let me know the time!

I stared at my phone for a good 2 minutes, wondering what the hell that meant.

It wasn’t a typical response. Most people would respond something like “oh, that sounds fun” with either a yes, no, or let me think about it. Did he really want to go? Also, was he choosing to join me for both?

I responded, telling him the times of both the artwalk and our dinner reservations.

I relaxed a little when he texted: Count me in baby!

Later tonight, he responded to some info I sent him about the artwalk… saying “This looks cool. Should be a lot of fun.”

Phew. He seemed truly interested in going, after all.

All’s well that ends well. I’m excited to see my friend, Sarah, and introduce her to Hayden. Now I just need to send her a Cliff Notes version of my relationship with Hayden beforehand so she doesn’t wonder what I meant by my vague text telling her I was unclear about Hayden’s seriousness. That might make for an awkward introduction if I don’t clear it up.