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I feel like I should be wearing an achievement sticker today that says, “I made it into work today!”

I was *this close* to saying ‘fuck it’ and taking a sick day. Walking +/- 1 mile to the transit station was going to be too much effort so I drove… even though I only drive into the office on days I have the kids because parking and tolls alone are super expensive. Even so, the thought of traffic nearly brought me to tears. Brave transit or brave traffic? It was a tough decision but I eventually chose traffic.

I’m fatigued, sore, and feeling blah. I did a brutal workout on Monday and am still sore. I rarely get sore anymore so this is a nice surprise.

I’m not sure where the blah feeling is coming from. I suspect it may be diet related. My energy has been low – it’s been hard for me to get enough calories with the allowable foods so I’ve added in some occasional taboo foods, i.e. small servings of rice and bread every other day or so, some fruit, and even tastes of dessert. It has helped.

Last Saturday was another splurge day, the day Hayden and I spent with my best friend Sarah and her husband. We gorged on souffles, wine, and mai tais. I even had a chocolate croissant with breakfast that morning and a cheese & ham croissant for lunch.

I’m finding that the cheat days are tough on my system. Get this: Throwing up in my mouth suddenly woke me up from deep sleep that night. WTF?! That had never happened to me before! My stomach hurt pretty badly and I thought for sure I’d be vomiting the rest of the night. I got up, took some antacid and got a big bowl to place next to my bed in case it happened again, and went back to bed. Stomach pain meant I couldn’t get back to sleep for another hour, though. The next day (Father’s Day) I felt fine. Thank god. But seriously… WTF.

Hayden came over last night. I was feeling agitated all day yesterday and I think he could tell. Everything annoyed me, including him. Poor Hayden.

We watched episodes 2 and 3 of Big Little Lies. He missed episode 1, which I’d watched the night before (after The Bachelorette) without him. I’m surprised he liked it and wanted to watch another episode, since it’s a suspenseful mystery drama involving moms in Monterey. It is gorgeously filmed, though.

Side note: When watching episode 1, I was so distracted by how Monterey was being depicted in the show that I had to do some research. I wanted to see if anyone else familiar with Monterey was as baffled as I was. Yes, they were.

This article perfectly explains why.

I also accidentally uncovered some show spoilers during my research. Oops.

Hayden and I didn’t have sex. I was disappointed but still thrilled he came to visit. He wasn’t feeling well on Monday or even yesterday – and missed work both days – so I was touched he still wanted to make the journey to see me. (I say “journey” because it takes him nearly 1-1/2 hours by transit or 30 minutes by Uber even though he also lives in San Francisco about 7 miles from me – it’s ridiculous.)

He’s coming over again tomorrow night. Hopefully we can have some passionate sex before Mars drops the kids off.

Last night, he asked me again if I had fun on Saturday. Of course I did. I asked him if he did; he said yes. It was an enthusiastic and genuine response. I’m pleased he had such a good time. I told him that I’d like to do more fun things around town, and told him about the free Sunday concerts in Stern Grove and the free Saturday night movies in the park… even telling him that La La Land was going to be playing in the park in August. (La La Land was the one and only movie we saw in a theater, back before we broke up, and we both loved it.) He was interested.

He also referred to himself as my boyfriend last night in conversation.

I still find this baffling. I would prefer that we have an actual conversation about becoming exclusive. I don’t feel as though it should be my responsibility to bring up considering he broke up with me. Maybe I’m being childish and petty, though.

Until he wants to broach the topic, I’m not going to assume we’re exclusive. This is all a formality, though, as I’m not dating anyone else. Right now I do feel more comfortable having that option if I wanted to, though, so maybe it’s just as well that he doesn’t bring it up.

I am going to tell him that I would still like to take a trip with him as we discussed back in January but that I am going to leave it up to him, that he should let me know if he truly wants to travel with me. In the meantime, I will make travel plans with others. (On Saturday, he heard me and Sarah discussing trip logistics to Austin.)

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