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Hayden is showing signs that he’s serious yet still hasn’t brought it up as a topic of conversation.

I hate getting hopeful because I don’t want to be disappointed again. I can tell I’m holding back emotionally this time. I still occasionally peruse OK Cupid and Tinder and have even engaged in a few conversations. However, I hold back and don’t engage very much (i.e. I’m emotionally unavailable) and then they lose interest. It’s no surprise, really.

I’m in limbo. I can’t fully commit to Hayden yet don’t feel single.

Keeping an active profile on two dating apps means I can keep a toe in the dating pond while still feelings things out with Hayden. That’s not fair to any guy I may date, though… and I get a little nervous when a guy that shows promise starts suggesting a first date.

I love and adore Hayden but, given our past, feel uncertain about our future.

I was out of town visiting family last weekend and didn’t see Hayden as a result, but we saw each other several times last week and he also came over last night.

On Friday night, we went to a free museum event at the De Young. I was surprised Hayden wanted to go and we were both really excited to see some art. I had the kids, though, and as a result the evening did not turn out as planned.

The kids and I had a late lunch – Hayden did, too – so the plan was to have a late dinner after the event closed at 8.

As we were heading to the museum, my son started complaining about how hungry he was. Are you kidding me?! I told him that he should have told me he was hungry before we left the house so that I could have prepared snacks.

We got there around 6:30 and didn’t even get halfway through one exhibit before we had to leave because my son was complaining so badly. I was so disappointed and even a little angry. I could tell Hayden was disappointed, too.

We vowed to go back again another Friday night sans kids.

Hayden stayed overnight on Friday night but we didn’t get to lounge and snuggle the next morning. We all had to be up early on Saturday morning because my son had an early orthodontist appointment and the kids and I were leaving town immediately after the appointment.

Hayden came over again last night for The Bachelorette. After the show, he suggested watching something else – I was shocked. He typically leaves immediately after The Bachelorette ends.

We only got about 15 minutes into Last Week Tonight before we started making out. We turning off the show and rushed into the bedroom to have sex. Afterward, he said he’d just stay overnight. Wow, really?! This was new. He hadn’t stayed overnight on a work night since before we broke up.

He set his alarm for 6 am but we somehow both woke up at 5:15 and had sweet and tender sex over and over again until he left at 7.

He said he’d be over again “in a couple days”… whatever that means. I don’t ask in order to prevent disappointment. I don’t mind loose plans. And I think Hayden appreciates not having any pressure.

By the same token, I am not keeping my nights open specifically for him. I usually am available but that’s not always the case. I am finding I do enjoy evenings to myself, though, and time with myself is much more appealing than scheduling a “wild card” first date with a stranger. Dates are unpredictable; I’m a sure thing.

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