I find that I am happier when I don’t think too much about / read into my relationship status with Hayden.
I am happy as a clam whenever we spend time together. However, I question everything and start to overthink while doing the mundane every day stuff like commuting, running errands, or taking my morning shower.
I love Hayden to pieces but I question if he’s meeting my emotional needs. I feel satisfied but something is bothering me.
For example, he still hasn’t asked about my vacation despite seeing him twice since I’ve returned. Does this mean something? Does he not care? Or does it mean traveling just doesn’t interest him?
He knows I got sick, he knows my windshield cracked… but he hasn’t asked about what I saw or did.
He came over on Monday night to watch The Bachelorette. My kids were acting like nuisances – it was embarrassing and stressful. Hayden was very understanding, making jokes about locking them in their rooms and offering to rub my back. He gets it.
The show is heating up. The bachelorette, Rachel, is going deep emotionally with the guys who are left. I admire her tenacity, honesty, and fearlessness.
What’s really interesting is that while she questioned one guy in particular who I commented didn’t seem ready to commit to her, Hayden started shaking his leg nervously. He’d never done that before. It was bizarre.
Does that mean something?
Hayden and I are meeting for Mexican food tonight. And we also plan to go to free movie night in the park (the 90s version of Beauty & the Beast) with a picnic dinner on Saturday night.
I feel closer to him than ever before, but I also know that if he blows it again and freaks out, it will absolutely be over. A platonic friendship may be possible after the dust settles but we’ll never again have anything sexual. Because if he breaks my heart again, I’ll never be able to trust him. Enough is enough.
I spoke with Racer X today on my commute into work. Although we’ve exchanged frequent emails, as usual, we hadn’t spoken since his visit in early May. It was so good hearing his voice and catching up with him. I’m considering meeting him in Chicago while he’s there on business in early October. He will have a hotel room for 4 days and has invited me to crash with him. Plus, we’ll have 1.5 full days with each other before he has to do the work grind. I’ve never been to Chicago but have always wanted to. And maybe I can see Josie while I’m there!