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It’s been 24 hours and I still haven’t received a return text from Hayden.

I have so many thoughts swirling in my head. I’m angry and in disbelief but I’m not sad. Maybe that’ll come later.

When this all began last night, it struck a familiar chord and brought up some very bad memories. I experienced something similar with Tex about a year into our relationship.

We were in the process of getting back together after our first serious breakup. He wanted to delay getting back together because he already had a date lined up on an upcoming weekend and he didn’t feel like he could cancel without hurting her feelings. Ok, whatever. I had my own loose dating ends to tie up, too. I didn’t think much of his pre-planned date.

…Until that weekend came. I sent him a text on Friday night inviting him out with me and some coworkers. His response was uncharacteristically short and lacking details. He said something like “I’d like to but I’m heading into Oakland to go out with some friends.”

I didn’t receive a good morning text the next morning, which was odd. I sent him a text asking him how his evening had gone. He didn’t respond for several hours and by then I was sick with worry. I was trying to self-soothe by thinking that maybe his phone battery had died. Horrible thoughts crept in, though, like maybe he was in the hospital. I asked him to call me as soon as he could.

He sent a text saying, “I’m fine but can’t call. I’ll explain later.”

And then, when I lost my mind, he simply said, “I screwed up badly. I love you.”

That made my anxiety even worse. Why couldn’t he call?! OMG, he really was in the hospital and that’s why he couldn’t call! Nothing else made sense.

I was physically sick that night from worry and running a fever.

He didn’t call me until late Sunday night. I demanded an explanation, and finally got it. His “date” was actually an out-of-town trip to visit a woman who lived in Los Angeles. He had lied to me about meeting up with friends on Friday night; in reality he was on his way to the airport.

I was so livid that I was shaking. It was scary. I felt betrayed. WHY DIDN’T HE JUST TELL ME HE WAS GOING TO BE OUT OF TOWN??? Or at least tell me he was going to be unreachable? Shit, at the very least he should have come up with a better lie by saying he was going to visit his mom in Texas.

I don’t think I’ve ever yelled so much in my life as I did at him that night on the phone with him. I called him every vile name I could think of. He apologized profusely and knew he’d made a huge mistake.

You all know I eventually forgave him because we did end up getting back together again. In hindsight, though, I should have cut my losses. There were so many other issues.

So when Hayden texted the uncharacteristic text last night canceling without explanation, I knew what it meant. It meant it was over.

Something is not right with Hayden. This is not normal adult behavior. Any rational person would provide an explanation for why they were canceling at the last fucking minute. I would have understood whatever his reason. It’s the bullshit lack of communication that I cannot tolerate.

I thought he cared about me. I thought I was his girlfriend! He should feel comfortable telling me anything but he obviously doesn’t. He lives in a shroud of secrecy. And his odd behavior might explain why he doesn’t have any friends.

Both kids asked where he was when he was a no-show. I hate that I couldn’t even give them a reason when they asked why he suddenly wasn’t coming when he had said he was.

I do hope he gets his act together and explains himself… if only so I can get some peace.