Although I’d love an explanation, I am at peace. I am surprisingly okay. I am not having obsessive thoughts about Hayden and I haven’t lost any sleep. I haven’t cried at all.
What I am is terribly disappointed. I am shocked that a grown man can act this way.
I wish I had been clearer in my last text to him (on Monday night) that I was pissed he wasn’t explaining himself, not that he had canceled. It’s not about him canceling; it’s about how he handled it.
I asked him to call and he didn’t. I told him I was worried. I asked him twice to explain what had happened. He couldn’t be bothered. He’s disappeared without warning and without explanation. It’s so fucked up.
I am still worried. What is really going on? Has he been able to go to work? Is he drinking? Is he having bad anxiety? Does he regret the way he handled things?
I know it’s not about me at all. I know Hayden loves me. This, however, is something I will not be able to get past. Tex used to give me the silent treatment when he was butt hurt and I would lose my mind with anger. The silent treament is stupid, childish, petty bullshit. This isn’t much different.
Hayden made a huge mistake.
This breakup isn’t a surprise. I knew it was bound to happen again. I just didn’t expect to happen in this ridiculous way. I’m stunned.
However, Hayden’s unbelievable behavior has given me the closure I needed to move on. I know from my past relationship history that closure comes quickly, like the flip of a switch. It happened with Mars, it happened with Tex, and now it has happened with Hayden.
I can tell you the exact day I lost my love for each of them.
And so now it’s onward and upward. A better suitor lurks in my future somewhere – it’s up to me to find him.
Last night I responded to a couple neglected messages on OK Cupid, re-installed Tinder, and downloaded an app called “Anonymous Texting”. This app gave me a temporary phone number for texting new suitors so that I can protect my privacy and prevent unwanted texting/calling on my real phone number. Brilliant!
I am a little hesitant to begin dating again so soon… but I don’t want to be home and without any plans my next kid-free weekend. I want to line up some activities. I may look into Meetup again and see if there is anything organized for watching live local music that weekend.
Let the dating games begin [again]!