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Tolerance. Do you see it as a good or bad trait?

Lately, I’ve been seeing tolerance described as a negative trait… as in being meek or not willing to stand up for yourself.

I am baffled by this. Tolerance is a positive trait. It means thick-skinned, tough, someone who doesn’t take things personally and is willing to see past differences without judgment.

Even the Merriam-Webster’s official definition is positive when describing human behavior.

In general, I am happy to say I am becoming more tolerant with age, and it has been carrying over into my personal relationships.

I used to be intolerant. If someone crossed me, it was immediately over. I did not forgive easily. I was too afraid to give second chances because I saw it as weakness. I was not willing to see someone’s side.

Becoming a mom has made me more tolerant as well as more patient. Kids push buttons and are irrational – it is bewildering and exhausting.

Yoga has made me more tolerant as well. When I was in my 20s, I practiced iyengar yoga. The poses were physically and mentally stressful. By holding the poses, I eventually learned to let go and relax into the pain. Yoga was such an amazing stress reliever for me because I eventually learned to adapt to discomfort more quickly. I became comfortable with discomfort.

After a year of practice, I noticed significant improvement in how I handled stress. I had a higher tolerance.

And, of course, age and experience play a big role, too. We all have different pasts, experiences, insights, biases, and challenges.

This post was going to be a stand-alone post about tolerance but as I was writing it I realized it perfectly ties into what’s going on with me and Hayden.

I have decided not to break up with Hayden. This has surprised even me.

I had emotionally detached so much that I was in a new mindset… one where I had nothing to lose. Since he reached out on Friday after his “disappearance”, we have talked extensively and have seen each other twice (including last night for The Bachelorette). I have questioned him so much that I feel as though I might be beating a dead horse. I have been completely honest with him.

He really regrets how he handled things. He has shown me an emotional side I haven’t seen before.

I’ve insisted he get help, and he seems to be taking his abuse seriously. He’s called his new insurance plan to inquire where the fuck his card is and he’s told me he’d like me to accompany him to his first doctor’s appointment.

Last night, after my daughter had gone to bed and we had some semblance of privacy, I said, “I think there are some things left unsaid between us. Do you really want to be in a relationship?

He said, “I can see how you’d wonder about that… but YES, I definitely want to be a relationship with you.”

I told him I loved him but didn’t think he could provide the reliability I needed. He got tears in his eyes and said he loves me too, that he wants to be someone I can count on, and just wants to get back to normal.

It broke my heart.

I don’t want to punish him for his illness. I can tell he is scared and upset. I want to be a source of support and comfort, not ridicule and intolerance.

He’s coming over again tomorrow night. It will be the first time I’ll be sans kids so we’ll get total privacy. There are a couple more things I want to clear up before totally committing again.

Today I canceled my upcoming first dates, then deleted Tinder.

As is typical for me, I jumped into the dating apps too quickly once again. I may be tolerant but I obviously still have a lot to learn about impulse control.

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