, ,

My mood has been unpredictable the past few days. I’m feeling raw. It’s no surprise – I have a lot going on emotionally.

Mars is going to both Hawaii and England in August. The news gutted me. I can’t afford a vacation, let alone two. I live in San Francisco so that we can share custody… but it is destroying me financially. I’m tired of never having enough money and worrying about making minor purchases. For hell’s sake, I haven’t even been able to afford the deductible to replace my cracked windshield yet.

I bought two new tops at Old Navy’s during their recent 30% off sale. One top was $11 and the other was $8 and yet I still felt guilty about it.

Parking is expensive. Transit is expensive. Rent is astronomical. San Francisco sure doesn’t make it easy to live here. I sometimes fantasize about winning the lottery. Living here would be such a different experience if I didn’t have to constantly worry about the cost of living.

My son needs a 2nd round of braces and this time none of it will be covered by insurance. Thinking about how I’ll pay my half of the $6,400 fills me with anxiety.

I want to take the kids to a local amusement park before school starts again but worry about how I’ll afford it. I have to hope that Mars will be able to join us so we can at least split the cost.

I rarely host play dates for the kids because I worry about the cost of feeding extra kids. My kids are invited to play dates at museums and amusement parks and treated to lunches and dinners, and I feel terrible that I can’t reciprocate.

I broke the news to Racer X that I won’t be able to meet him in Chicago, after all. I just couldn’t justify the cost of airfare. He was disappointed… and I was even more disappointed after he told me that the Pixies were scheduled to perform during his trip there.

The bottom line is that hearing about Mars going on a couple luxury vacations put me into a tailspin and made me wonder if the amount of spousal support I’m receiving is fair. I hate thinking about that because, honestly, I’d prefer to not have any support. I hate being needy.

The other thing that’s making me an emotional mess is my daughter. She and my son were invited by relatives to join them at a mountain resort. Of course, I was invited, too, but I didn’t have enough vacation time to cover the 3 days off.

My son was excited about the trip; my daughter wasn’t sure. She gets homesick easily, just like I did when I was her age. I get it.

I was surprised that she eventually decided to go at the last minute… but she wanted me to promise her that I would drive the 4+ hours up there to pick her up if she got homesick and wanted to come home. Yes, of course.

I knew they wouldn’t have cell phone service up there. We discussed that. My cousin said she’d call me from a resort pay phone, if necessary.

However, I’m worried. I’m worried that she’s crying and wants to come home but that there’s no way they can reach me. I also worry about her safety. She’s accident-prone and my cousin isn’t as perceptive as I am.

I slept like shit last night because I was having constant nightmares… nightmares where I could almost read the emergency email my aunt sent me. Or receiving phone calls from my cousin that there’s been a terrible accident.

I know this is an exercise in letting go and trusting that everything will be okay. There’s nothing I can do anyway. I’m here; she’s there. But I hate that she’s unreachable.

I try to soothe myself by reminding myself that she’s at least with family and will be looked after better than if she were at an overnight kids camp. And it’s only 3 nights.

I can justify it rationally, but it’s much harder emotionally.

I’m probably just projecting. I remember the horrible gut-wrenching feeling of missing familiarity and hope she’s not experiencing the same lonely feeling.

I’ve got to let it go.

So I suppose it’s no surprise that, given all this, I’m in a precarious emotional state.

On Friday night, I was feeling annoyed with Hayden. I didn’t hear from him on Thursday night nor all day on Friday and started to wonder if he was going to cancel coming over that night. And I hated that I wondered if he was going to cancel because he was drunk. That’s not fair at all.

I eventually got an email from him saying that he was on his way over. All was well again. He was very doting and affectionate all night.

We went out for Mexican food and then we were going to see Dunkirk but realized it was going to start too late at 9:50. Neither of us were convinced we’d be able to stay awake until after midnight.

Instead, we went home and rented the 2017 version of Beauty and the Beast. I preferred this to the 1991 version we saw a couple weeks ago. I don’t know… maybe real actors made it more believable. It wasn’t so preposterous that Belle fell in love with Beast for some reason.

Admittedly, both of us were shocked that Beast wasn’t more attractive when the spell wore off, though.

Hayden slept curled next to me all night, occasionally wrapping me in a big bear hug while we slept. I even got overheated by the constant contact.

We went out for breakfast on Saturday morning before parting ways.

Yesterday, I was once again picking apart why our relationship couldn’t work. I’m so fickle! And then he came over and things were right in the world again. I cooked dinner for us… the first time I’ve cooked in a long time. We had lemon butter chicken with capers plus a spinach salad.

We watched a couple episodes of Six Feet Under and I burst into tears at one point. Hayden was alarmed. He asked, “Baby, what’s wrong?” I replied, “For some reason that scene triggered a memory of being with my grandma when she died….”

Oh boy. I’m losing it.

I’ve finally reached a point with Hayden where I am not afraid to ask questions about his past or our relationship. Finally. I’ve told him I’d like to hear about his experience being homeless sometime, and I’ve been asking him for updates on his doctor appointment. I don’t want to hold back anymore.

It feels comfortable. It feels good.

He’s coming over again tonight so that we can watch The Bachelorette. This will be the first time we’ll be watching without my daughter. *sniff* I miss her.