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Last night I had a large chunk of time to myself and decided on a whim to look through my old journal from 1994-1996. I was mainly looking to see if I could find Mike/Urge-o’s last name; it’s been driving me crazy. No such luck despite finding the entries.

I spent some time reading several entries. I read about my first trip to Seattle and meeting Mark, my relationship with Gravy, a short relationship with a guy in my circle of friends, meeting Urge-o, and basically all my crazy boy issues.

I saw a distinct pattern of feeling emotionally pained whenever I was in a relationship, even when the relationship was very good.

It’s a miracle I ever got married. My relationship with Mars was the first relationship I had where the relationship only grew stronger and better over time and where I didn’t micro-examine everything. It was comfortable and easy, at least after we got through the first rocky 4 months or so (but that’s a story for another time).

Reading about my relationship with Gravy was especially haunting. He was so sweet and kind and excitedly told all his friends and family about me when we first started dating… and I sometimes acted callously toward him for no reason other than I was annoyed. It was clear that I ultimately pushed him away. I cringed reading those entries – I wanted to yell back in time at myself.

By the way, I did send an email to Mike/Urge-o a few days ago. I still haven’t heard back, but didn’t really expect to anyway. I still have the same email address as I did back then but he probably doesn’t. Still, I tried.

OK Cupid has removed the option, both online and in the app, of seeing who has visited your profile. Without this feature, the site is nearly useless to me. I am ashamed to admit that the only reason I am still active on the site is so that I can track whether Hayden is using the site. (He’s not… or at least he’s never been online when I’ve been online.)

Things are good with Hayden. He came over on Monday night and we laid on the couch snuggling while watching the stoopid “Men Tell All” episode on The Bachelorette. He’s coming over again tonight.

He’s been asking my advice on various personal issues lately, which is flattering. He’s been asking what he should do about his weird landlord, whether or not he should find a different place to live, and what he should do about certain staff who don’t appear to have a strong work ethic.

Last weekend, he told me that his brother’s girlfriend from England is in town and that he’ll probably meet up with them this weekend. I was pretty hurt when he didn’t invite me. I have the kids this weekend so I wouldn’t be able to anyway, but it would be nice if he wanted me to join them. It makes me wonder if he’s even told his brother about me; I would venture to guess probably not.

(I still haven’t met his brother and I’m not sure what to think about that. He doesn’t see him often, though, maybe once every 2-3 months.)

The 1 year anniversary of our first date is coming up in a couple weeks. I’ll probably mention it casually to him. I’m not sure he’s aware of it.